Finally Getting Fit

LW: 262
CW: 256

Who would have thought I could be happy to see 256 again? Either way, I am.

Or rather, I’m trying to be. With everything going on in Victoria, Australia (my home state) right now, worrying about numbers on a scale seems stupid. And honestly, I probably only lost that much because it was too hot to do anything but drink buckets of water. Talk about flushing out your system.

This is the week I’m going to the Women’s Clinic in Melbourne. The husband and I already did a ‘dry run’ so I know where to go. I’ll be there bright and early, even though my first appointment isn’t until 9.30am. I get paranoid about these things, though, so I’d rather be much earlier than late.

I really am just having a tough time getting the enthusiasm to do anything. I don’t feel like doing much. I just can’t stop thinking about the people who have lost their lives – in the literal sense and in the sense that everything has burned to the ground.

The husband and I don’t have any super close friends in the area, but we’ve been touring around most of the areas affected and met a lot of nice people. I’ll cherish those memories now, as a couple of the towns we visited are just gone now…

I’d demand to drive to the areas to help out right now if I knew I wouldn’t just be in the way. And so I sit thinking about them. Helping when and where I can from here.

Yeah, this is another one of those weeks I just don’t want to weigh in. But, as Jenera was kind enough to remind me, we do this to hold ourselves accountable…

And so I shall.

CW: 262

I am well and truly at my highest (known) weight. It’s not a good feeling, but I’m – surprisingly – not freaking as much as I was last week. For a few reasons…

1. I’ve probably b*tched and moaned about it enough and you’re sick of hearing about it, but Melbourne went through a pretty serious heat wave last week. I drank heaps of water but was still visiting the loo the same amount – even a little less at a guess. Which means I’m retaining what litres I didn’t pee or sweat out.

2. Because of the heat and having to escape to air conditioned places to avoid complete brain melt, I didn’t get time on the elliptical. I’m back at it today and am looking forward to seeing my results next week.

3. On the 12th I’m going to hopefully get some answers to all the frustrated questions I have been having.

4. It’s not about the numbers; it’s about how I’m feeling mentally, emotionally and physically. I do myself no favours by stressing myself over this.

5. It’s a beginning. Yeah, I’m at my highest weight, but that means I can start over and really dig my heels in. I’ll probably start the weigh in week numbers over after I’ve been to the clinic… but then again, maybe I won’t. I’ve come this far. No need to pretend it didn’t happen just because something is wonky and I’ve gained.

So here I am. Deep breaths, exercise, and keeping calm. I’ll make it. You’ll make it.

We all will.

P.S. I have a lot of ‘catching up’ to do if I want to make it to 6000 minutes on the elliptical, but don’t worry – I haven’t forgotten about it!

I really don’t want to post this. I mean really, really don’t want to post this.

Even though I’m feeling confused and I don’t know what’s going on with my body, I still feel almost… ashamed that my fitness friends are going to read this. Like I’m going to get kicked out of the fitness club or something.

I know that’s utter BS, but still.

Okay, deep breaths.

SW: 256
LW: 254
CW: 260

Ugh. I feel like crying just typing out that number. I told myself that I’d never get to 256 again and look where I am now. I don’t understand. I didn’t have an ice cream cake night. I didn’t have an all-night bender. I don’t eat potato chips or snack mixes anymore. I don’t drink soda but for the occasional sprite. Even being sick this weekend didn’t down the pounds.

What happened?

One possibility is phantom TOM. I’ve been having the yucky stomach, tender/big boobs and headaches that come with TOM. Taking it for granted that I’m on a 28 day’er (which I have no way of knowing for sure), and calculating from August ’08 – the last real TOM I had – Jan. 19th should have been the start of my TOM. So, it could be leftovers from whatever hormones are streaming around trying to get my body back into proper working order.

I’m holding onto that for now and hoping that, though annoying and depressing, this is actually a sign of good things from my improved eating and exercise regime. Honestly, though, I have to hold on to that because I might just give up if I don’t have a reason for this gain.

I’m being utterly careful for the next week. I’m weighing myself every day, drinking more than minimum water every day. Nothing even close to naughty.

I’ll fix this. I’ll figure it out.

I hope you all are doing wonderfully. Truly.

SW: 256
LW: 253
CW: 254

Well, there is no beating around the bush this week – I landed well and truly on the 254 mark.

I suppose for this past week, I can only blame myself. The elliptical needed to be fixed, so I didn’t get my regular time on it. While I made up for that with a lot of walking and some jogging (!), I can’t help but think that I needed to do more to match the amount of calories I would have burned using the elliptical.

It was also Mr. JM’s birthday, so I took him out for an indulgent meal where we both ate too much. Thankfully, the ‘too much’ consisted of seafood and veggies and then we split a single piece of chocolate cake, so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been (eg. Party snacks and beer – not that I would drink beer). I do know that I probably should have had more activity on the weekend to help make up for the amount of seafood and veggies I had.

I’m very happy to say that I finally went out and bought a stability (exercise) ball. It’s a big blue one and it has been a lot of fun working on my core stability. Even if it has made me a bit sore getting used to constantly balancing. But that’s what it’s for.

I’ve also noticed that my body seems to be in a state of flux, so to say…

Remember back when I said I was having an ‘I feel fat’ week? Well, it sort of went away, but not completely. I feel like all my weight is shifting to my middle. Instead of feeling like a ‘solid’ woman, I definitely am feeling more like I’m fat around my hips and abdomen.

I told this to Mr. JM and he said that I should measure myself straightaway because knowing whether or not I have actually grown in that area or if I’m just feeling like I have can help come time for my appointments… So I did measure myself…

Plus about two inches since January 9th. Ugh. Even factor in human error – maybe I pulled the measuring tape a little tight last time or did it a little higher this time – that’s still so much… I don’t even know if that’s a good, bad or just a weird thing, but you can be sure I’m going to ask about it come February 12th.

Maybe I need to be doing sit ups or something as well.

How is everyone else doing?

I actually forgot about weighing in for a little bit. Eesh. You take one week off and your mind goes to fluff… BUT I do have the numbers, though they are not very exciting.

SW: 256
LW: 252
CW: 253

Not happy. Not happy at all. My scale sucks, so I could be at 254. I’m considering buying a digital scale to get rid of the uncertainty, but I don’t know if the more exact measures would drive me nuts or not…

Today I’m letting myself have a day just to be pissed off. I’m not going off and hauling into a carton of ice cream, but I’m not going to berate myself for feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to be pissed off and that’s that. I don’t think denying I’m upset about a gain – a gain! Despite all my hard work! – is going to do my any good. I need to get the feelings out of my system so I can get back to it soon.

Needless to say, though, I’m getting more and more eager for my appointments next month. I really want to do/take whatever is necessary so I can get my system back into swing.

I’m just trying to keep in mind that by keeping going now, I’m keeping in place the good habit I’ve set up. Better to have them there and working for me while I get my system balanced/fixed than to start from scratch next month.

And now for my minutes of exercise update…

I’m still quite behind where I should be as far as minutes go, but I had to take Sunday off because it was obvious my body was in need of a rest. I’ve also figured out that, for right now, twenty minutes continuous is pretty much my limit.

Instead of continuing to stress out my body, I’ve decided to do thirty minutes a day by breaking it up into ten minute sections three times a day. I’m not stressing my body so much that way and I’m getting in even more exercise time.

How is everyone else doing?

I actually forgot about weighing in for a little bit. Eesh. You take one week off and your mind goes to fluff… BUT I do have the numbers, though they are not very exciting.

SW: 256
LW: 252
CW: 252

Still at good ol’ 252. Considering the indulgences I let myself have over the holidays, I’m okay with that number. Well, not okay, but I’m definitely glad I didn’t see a gain on the scale.

I am, unfortunately, having one of those times when I really ‘feel’ fat. Those times usually come when I haven’t been drinking enough water, though, so at least I know what to do to work toward getting past the feeling. I’m already halfway to where I need to be for today and it’s not even noon, so that’s a good start.

I saw on Hanlie’s blog that she is keeping track of her exercise minutes in her sidebar and I think that is an awesome day. At the point I’m typing this, I have a pathetic five minutes, but I’m going to keep track of my minutes exercised in my weigh-ins from now on.

Whee! I think I should have a goal number of minutes for the year…

100 hours = 6,000 minutes = ~ 16.5 minutes of exercise per day

Sounds good to me! What do you think? So here is my first recording of exercise minutes.

5 minutes of exercise
5,995 minutes (99 hours 55 minutes) to go!

Now I’m going to do some time on the elliptical! I have to make up for the time I missed!

I’ve decided, for various reasons, to not weigh in today. It seems like the right thing to do.

Today I’m thinking about 2009 and what I hope it will bring. I can’t say that I’m going to start anything on January fifth (because I like starting things on Mondays) because I’ve already started exercising nearly daily, keeping a food diary, and making strides towards being a healthier person overall.

In the beginning of February, I’ll be heading to the Royal Melbourne Women’s Clinic for appointments with a dietician, endocrinologist, and a group meeting for women with PCOS who are trying to lose weight and improve/preserve fertility. I have high hopes for all those appointments.

In 2009 I also mean to get my husband in for a full physical, just to make sure he’s doing okay on all counts.

In May I will celebrate my third wedding anniversary. It’s a milestone one because most couples who get divorced do so within the first two years of marriage. Or so the statistic was when I last read it. And with our third wedding anniversary comes our fourth year of being together in October as well as my third year in Australia (also in October).

In June I will be reinterviewed by immigration and, barring any problems, I will be granted permanent residency. After that, it’s only two years until I can become an Australian citizen.

Yet another October event will be celebrating my third year anniversary of my first post made on my first 451Press site: my ‘baby’ Fiction Scribe. I have grown so much since I made my first post for this network, and I couldn’t be more proud of what I have accomplished.

There are many more events, but I’ll leave it at that. I’m going to skip resolutions for this year and look forward to celebrating how far I’ve come and how far I will go.

SW: 256
LW: 252
CW: 252

I’ve been feeling a bit crabby and depressed lately, so you’ll have to forgive me if I rant.

I know I said last week that it has suddenly become a lot less about the numbers, and it has. That was no lie. I’m more concerned about what I’m achieving in regards to healthier eating and exercise. Heck, I’m up to fifteen minutes on the elliptical and I am totally proud of myself.

But (you knew that was coming, right?) I am getting nervous. I’m exercising nearly every day now and I’m not losing weight. Heck, I gained two pounds last week, but I passed it off as water weight.

This happened when I first started going to the gym as well. I started exercising and the weight loss just stopped. I wasn’t exactly losing heaps then or now, but still. And now I have this fear that it’s going to happen all over again and the weight loss will just stop.

And if one more person gives me the ‘you’re gaining muscle’ speech, I’m going to scream. I know you can gain muscle when you strength train and whatnot. I know how it works. It’s *not* normal to stop losing weight when you add in exercise. Gaining muscles happens, yes, but you don’t just stop losing weight for over half a year.

I feel like there is a third player in this stupid game that is keeping my body from working properly. I am not expecting miracles, but I’ve been exercising, eating right, keeping a food diary, drinking heaps of water, and all I have to show for it is a two pound gain? Something isn’t right there.

That’s not going to stop me, though. I fully intend to be able to go for thirty minute runs on the elliptical before my appointments in February.

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 252

So I’ve somehow managed to gain two pounds. I’m pretty certain it has something to do with retaining water as well as my body just adjusting to all the changes I’ve made since last Wednesday.

To be honest, since I got the bad news, my caring about the number of pounds I have on me has just gone out the window. I still want to lose weight, of course, but I’m not focused on the numbers at all. Well, maybe 1% of the time.

Right now all my healthy energy is going towards focusing on keeping a food diary and making healthy choices with my food. Maybe that was my problem all along – my focus has been in the wrong place. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I feel like I’m on the right track right now. That hasn’t reflected in poundage, but I’ve only really changed my life since last Wednesday. And I don’t say ‘changed my life’ flippantly. It’s like… I received the news from the doctor and suddenly everything has changed. I’ve immediately dropped things that were occasional indulgences.

My husband actually put a small chocolate bar in my hand (it was time to eat and the only other thing on hand was a muesli bar I don’t care for) and wouldn’t have held it against me if I ate it, and I gave it back to him. I thought about it, but the urge to eat it just wasn’t there.

I guess there is nothing like getting the news, “This could kill you” to make you clean up your act, huh?

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

Haha! It seems I’ve gotten myself off to a good start… and a plateau.

Actually, it’s not that bad. I’ve been working out, but I’ve been having an uberhard time keeping with eating on schedule and drinking minimum water. It feels like I can do one thing really well for an extended period, but get all these things going that I need to do and remember and I falter a bit.

BUT, as ever, my optimism is running high and I’m just going with the flow. Habits don’t form overnight, weight doesn’t just drop off overnight (I wish!), and things worth having are worth working for.

I’m getting a bit antsy already about my blood test results. I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to find out what’s what and see what form of The Pill I go on, etc. (I’m assuming she’s going to put me on The Pill, as I don’t want to get pregnant for at least a year.) The good news is that I have stuff to do after the doctor as well, so I can think and focus on that.

The awesome thing lately is that I’ve been encouraging my husband (just as he encourages me) to get on the exercise bandwagon. He’s even now having a smoothie for breakfast most mornings! He’s been giving fruit and muesli bars a go so he can eat smaller amounts more often.

Overall, it’s looking better and better for both of us!

How are YOU doing?

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

Hello readers and hello Monday! Wow, it’s finally a Monday that I wasn’t dreading.

As you can see, there is no change in my weight from last week, but I am honestly not surprised. I had some down mood swings, and I just plain wasn’t interested in eating. Don’t worry about me – I listened to my body (and my blood sugar) and ate when I needed to. However, I found it impossible to keep up with the eating on schedule.

The good news (some of it, there is plenty!) is that the behaviour has helped ease my headaches. I still have more pain than usual, but it’s at manageable levels and isn’t constant by any means.

Good, good, good!

I did pretty well with exercise last week (there’s always room for improvement) and I’m looking forward to doing even better this week. I can’t tell you how nice it has been to have the elliptical in the flat. Not only is it heaps more convenient for me, the husband is getting more into using it as well!

It’s also nice to be able to come home and, if I’ve had a bit too much to eat, hop on the elliptical for a little while. It works like a charm when I want to feel better.

I hope you are all truly doing well and feeling great! If you have a second, stop by and say hello to Jenera. She is going in to have her son this Friday! Woohoo!

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

The scale was playing funnybuggers with me and I could be at 249 or even 248 (I don’t have a digital scale) but I’m going to avoid all that nonsense and say no weight change from last week. That’s okay, though, because there has been so much going on, it’s only my first week back on the strict phase of the diet and I’m just happy with whatever steps I’m making towards the positive.

This Wednesday is my appointment. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time. I know they’ll take good care of me.

I’m not looking forward to the inevitable PAP smear and the ultrasound of my lady parts (I’m not sure that’s going to happen, but the nurse who made my appointment said they’d probably repeat that as it was done five or so years ago) and the other ‘invasions’, but it’s all worth it in the end.

I still have headaches happening, which I’m concerned about, but the calcium plus magnesium tablets are still keeping them from reaching the point of me not being able to work. I’m very grateful for that. I’m nervous about what they’ll say or need to test to figure out what’s going on there.

And, in the midst of it all, I’m craving butter like mad. I’m not eating it, mind you, but I have been known to cook my veggies with a little butter in the past few weeks. It’s really weird.

I’m definitely eager to start sorting it all out. And you can bet I’m going to be talking about it all here after the appointment.

How is everyone else doing?

A new week and a new crack at things!

SW: 256
LW: 250
CW: 250

I was talking to my husband about my weight loss frustrations and he suggested that I think about the times when I was losing weight and go back to doing that. Well, that last time I was losing weight was when I was on the strictest phase of the diet my naturopath put me on.

I did it for six weeks last time and could have done it longer; I remember thinking that before she ‘loosened’ the diet rules.

I have decided to ‘rededicate’ myself to the stricter phase of the diet. This time, instead of six weeks, I’ll be doing it for twelve. Starting today, that means I’ll be on it until (at least) February 10th, 2009. Twelve weeks after that just happens to be my second wedding anniversary.

At this point, I don’t really have any weight loss goals in terms of numbers. I’m going for fifty pounds to lose, of course, but right now I want to concentrate on getting back on schedule, back on the do/don’t list for food and just back in the groove of really getting healthy.

Next week I have my first appointment to start addressing my hormone and weight issues. I’m quite excited about getting things taken care of because everything is so tied together – hormones, weight, fertility, etc. Start working on one and you start working on them all.

I feel like a bit of a broken record – catching my breath, slowing down, catching my breath again to start again… But I’m not giving up. That’s what I’m concentrating on: refusal to give up.

As you have probably gathered from the picture, the news isn’t the greatest.

After however many years I’ve been doing this weight loss journey, I have come to know my body quite well. (As I should.) One thing my body has a habit of doing is loving a new diet switch… and then just stopping.

I’m under no illusions – sometimes the ‘just stopping’ is completely my fault. I fall off the wagon, whatever. But it often just… stops. It’s come to the point where it’s stressing me out to weigh in because I’ve stopped losing, plateaued a bit, and have since gained again. I feel like someone looks at me the wrong way and I gain weight.

I guess it comes down to that I feel like if I weigh in here having gained, it, for one, makes it real. But I also feel like I’m disappointing the people who read here. It stresses me out to think that people who have seen me do so well might not be so happy to see me gain.

I know it’s a bunch of bullocks, but it does stress me.

I desperately want to be successful and inspire other people to succeed, but I can’t help feeling like it’s not meant to be. Maybe when I find a gyno and get the hormone problems hindering me sorted out, I’ll start losing again. I still hold that going to the naturopath was the best thing I could have done, but it’s just not seeming like enough at the moment.

But, I can’t let what I think *might* happen stop me from doing things.

So, here’s to getting past mental and emotional barriers.

I’m back at 250. I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world. I can and I will do this. I just need to keep going. PCOS, hormones, metabolism, whatever – I refuse to believe that there isn’t some way out there that can help me lose the weight and keep it off.

Another Monday…

SW: 256
LW: 246
CW: 246

No change again, but I should be happy, right? Right.

Because of an unexpected big bill, we weren’t able to get the elliptical on the weekend. That was a bit disappointing, but given I’m just bouncing back from a bit of under the weather time, I suppose I should consider it a sign. (Yeah, I totally would have been on there kicking my arse this morning despite being in the ‘still recovering’ phase.)

I’m hoping for this upcoming weekend to be the one, but since I’ve been prattling on about it for so many weeks now, I’m just going to shut up about it and let you know when it happens.

I’m getting my physical life back on track in other ways now. I’m starting back up on the vitamins and supplements the naturopath gave me. (I was on them, got sick, went off them, went on vacation…) I don’t think she’ll be happy that it took so long for me to get back on them, but hopefully I’ll be able to show some weight loss by the next appointment. (I have about five pounds to go before the next appointment if I want to break even with the last appointment.)

I’m hoping that getting back on the stuff she gave me, keeping up with water, and adding in the elliptical to my exercise will help me see some improvement over the next couple of weeks.

My womanly ways still aren’t back in action, unfortunately. I was hoping they would be by now because that’s a huge health factor standing in the way of having a baby.

I must be patient…