Finally Getting Fit

In trying to live a healthier lifestyle, having control of my body with my mind is something I have often struggled with.

Often people think of their mind and their body as one, which isn’t true. Even modern science shows us that we – spirit/soul/consciousness – are not our bodies. Our bodies just happen to be our physical cars, so to say. We go above and beyond, thus, we can greatly benefit from learning to associate the body with being a tool instead of our ‘self’.

This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense at this point…

I am slowly becoming more in tune with my body as a way to determine the difference between the times I want to eat and the times I need to eat. My body lets me know in very specific ways that my blood sugar is low, but I used to not pay attention and lumped all the need/want times together. All that resulted in is me eating too much too often.

When I began to teach myself to control my body as a tool, I began to learn to distinguish between the needs and the wants. Now, when I have a want time, I just remind myself, “I am in control of this body and I will determine when I eat.”

Another example is my time on the elliptical. Learning to treat my body as a tool rather than my ‘self’ has helped me to be a lot more productive in terms of my exercise.

There are plenty of times when I don’t feel like doing my exercise for the day. Or there are times when I’m on the elliptical and I feel like getting off early. Those are the times when I remind myself that I am not my body and it is only my body – not my ‘self – that doesn’t want to go on the elliptical.

All I do then is remind myself who is in control.

Of course, it’s not always easy. Sometimes with the exercise, I have given in. But more and more, with practice, I am finding I have an increasing amount of control and will power over what I physically do.

A great way to start training yourself in this way is sitting meditation or just pushing yourself that extra minute when you’re exercising. YOU can do it because YOU are in control.

This is the first of six videos which make up the first episode in a four episode series. (Say that five times fast. Hehe.) I’ll put the other five videos after the cut as well as a link to the next three episodes.

You may be wondering why I’m putting up something about time on a getting healthy blog, but I think this is just one part in understanding how our bodies work. He gets into the ‘history of time’ – for lack of a better phrase – as well as other aspects of time, but I think the parts focusing on our internal body clocks are important.

If you understand how time seems to run our lives and how we perceive time as either fast or slow, then you can begin to use that knowledge to benefit yourself.

Wouldn’t you love to be able to ‘speed up’ a half an hour or more of exercise? So what seemed like five minutes was really a lot longer? I know there are certainly days when I would. And, in different ways, I already attempt to do that by reading while I work out or putting on music.

I have to admit that I am a bit of a documentary/science addict, but understanding time holds some very interesting possibilities – even in the world of getting fit and healthy.

I hope you find these interesting. Like I said before, the link to the BBC website where all four episodes are as well as the next five videos of this website are after the cut.

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As you have probably gathered from the picture, the news isn’t the greatest.

After however many years I’ve been doing this weight loss journey, I have come to know my body quite well. (As I should.) One thing my body has a habit of doing is loving a new diet switch… and then just stopping.

I’m under no illusions – sometimes the ‘just stopping’ is completely my fault. I fall off the wagon, whatever. But it often just… stops. It’s come to the point where it’s stressing me out to weigh in because I’ve stopped losing, plateaued a bit, and have since gained again. I feel like someone looks at me the wrong way and I gain weight.

I guess it comes down to that I feel like if I weigh in here having gained, it, for one, makes it real. But I also feel like I’m disappointing the people who read here. It stresses me out to think that people who have seen me do so well might not be so happy to see me gain.

I know it’s a bunch of bullocks, but it does stress me.

I desperately want to be successful and inspire other people to succeed, but I can’t help feeling like it’s not meant to be. Maybe when I find a gyno and get the hormone problems hindering me sorted out, I’ll start losing again. I still hold that going to the naturopath was the best thing I could have done, but it’s just not seeming like enough at the moment.

But, I can’t let what I think *might* happen stop me from doing things.

So, here’s to getting past mental and emotional barriers.

I’m back at 250. I’m disappointed, but it’s not the end of the world. I can and I will do this. I just need to keep going. PCOS, hormones, metabolism, whatever – I refuse to believe that there isn’t some way out there that can help me lose the weight and keep it off.

What an eventful few days. Where to start…

Well, I’ll start with the fact it’s actually a holiday weekend here. On Tuesday we have ‘the race that stops the nation’ which is a horse race like no other. People across Australia party, bet on horses and otherwise have a lot of fun. Most of the people in Victoria get Tuesday off.

My husband surprised me by taking Monday off, so we whisked away to western Australia for a mini-vacation of sorts. It was one of those trips where you don’t have a timeline and just go wherever you feel like. We ended up in a nice small town and met some interesting people.

The weekend was a bit emotional, however, because I haven’t been feeling my best. About two weeks ago I started on with a headache. Later on came a bit of tiredness, nausea, soreness and other sorts of fun things. We can to wonder – despite the near impossibility of it – if perhaps I was pregnant.

Maybe it’s silly or stupid for me to think that I could possibly get pregnant with all of the health issues I have going on right now, but I did believe in that chance and took a test. It was negative, as I knew it had to be, but I was still upset. Naturally.

However, if I think about it rationally – though being rational isn’t my strong suit today – I remind myself that my body is certainly not as healthy as it should be for a normal pregnancy. I am reminded that there are still issues I need to deal with because I wanted to turn to food for comfort. I didn’t, but the want was still there.

And so, this week I take off from weighing in and Monday Mailbag. I need the break. I need to get back to the stricter diet my naturopath worked out, need to make an appointment with a gynecologist and I need to get started on my new elliptical…

Today on her blog, Jenera talked about the times when she feels sexiest. Thinking about when I feel sexiest, I figured I could split things into two categories. Here I’ll be talking about the physical side of feeling sexy and on my site Long Relationships, I’ll be talking more about the mental/emotional side.

When it comes to getting fit and healthy, I think it’s important to find the ways and times you feel sexy. Don’t wait until you’re ‘there’ at your goal; if you don’t care about and appreciate your body as it is, you’re going to have difficulty caring about yourself enough to get fit.

I’m a big girl with big curves. I have big hips (a moderate bum, thankfully) and big boobs. I also have an outfit that makes me feel so sexy when I wear it because it highlights my curves in a good way while minimizing the spots I don’t like so much (*cough*tummy*cough*).

I have a ‘baby doll’ tank top, a lacy bra for underneath, a small, fitted jacket to go over it and a pair of hip-hugging jeans to go with it. However, it’s not just that I like the outfit – it’s the fact that I had to work to get into the jeans and the jacket. Plus, the tank top was a reward to myself for how far I’ve come.

I don’t think you have to be at goal weight before you feel sexy; feeling sexy along the way can help inspire you to keep going to even better, sexier things.

When do you feel sexy?

I’m actually getting things done on time today! Well, catching up and now getting the current things done on time anyway.

This week’s question:

“If weight loss was easy, then no one would be fat.” – One of my friends said that, but that person will have to forgive me because I can’t quite remember who it was at this moment.

Getting fit certainly is certainly not the easiest thing you are going to do in your life. We all take on the challenge in different ways and sometimes have to fight different battles. Personally, I usually have to battle my own mind and sometimes lack of confidence when it comes to making my goals. I keep winning that battle, though, and I keep losing weight.

What battles have you fought and won on your journey to get fit?

I have quite a few battles in the realm of getting fit, many of which repeat. Which sucks, but such as life.

The biggest battle I have fought and won recently is the belief that I just couldn’t lose weight. I had tried everything, it seemed. Even exercise and healthy eating just didn’t seem to be doing anything for me. It didn’t help that the psychological factors weren’t exactly up to par.

It turns out it is just a matter of finding what works for you – even if it takes years to do so. Diets, non-diets, changing habits one at a time, detoxing first… You may have to go through a lot of them to find out what works, but it’s worth it.

Thankfully I was able to find something to smack me on the behind and say, “Hey! You can lose weight!”

I was talking with Jenera via email the other day, and I mentioned how I had bought a couple new tops and how that was helping me change my attitude about things. I’ve also had a hair cut and whatnot, but the nicer, fitting clothes helped heaps.

She mentioned that she didn’t like buying new things while she was still losing weight because she didn’t want to keep on having to buy new things. She always promises herself that she’ll buy new things when all the weight comes off, but that hasn’t happened yet.

In talking to her, I realized that I am – or rather, was – the same way when buying new clothes. Who wants to buy a bunch of brand new things when it’s possible they’ll be too big in a matter of months?

But then I thought about how good it felt to have some new tops that truly fit. I didn’t buy heaps of new clothes, but I did buy a couple things I fell in love with at the store. I feel great and, believe it or not, it’s a motivation for me to keep on losing weight because I want to be able to fit into other nice things.

I guess what I’m trying to say is you should give yourself a break. If you can, go out and buy a new top. Try to buy something that ties or is only tight around your boobs so it can change with you.

You might just be amazed what it can do for your mood and confidence.

Like I mentioned yesterday, ‘just because you can doesn’t mean you should’. After going to the naturopath on the 12th, I decided to let up on myself and have an easy weekend. I had a couple chocolates from my birthday (over a month ago), I had a glass of white wine, and I basically just eased up on myself.

Well, as it turns out, that was probably the exact wrong thing to do.

It wasn’t wrong because I didn’t deserve a reward – I did – but the timing was all wrong and I should have realized that.

I have what I like to call a ‘self-sabotage point’. Between 242 and 244, I’m not sure what happens, but I tend to sabotage myself. Eating things I shouldn’t, not sticking to whatever regulations I have at the time… I have reached this mark a few times before. The last time I did, I totally bombed out and… well… That’s why I started this round of dieting back at my highest weight.

I’m not sure if it’s because that was the point I fell off the wagon the first time I started getting fit or if it’s that I haven’t been in the 230s since I was still in my teenage years. All I know is that I hit this point and then go straight back up.

I am so, so scared of that happening this time.

People who don’t understand would probably just say, “Well, don’t let it happen. Just stick to your diet.” But there is so much more to it than that. It’s psychological.

I’ve already been battling with the sweets urges for days now. Unlike the past times, though, I don’t beat myself up for little slip ups. I’m sticking to my eating schedule and drinking heaps of water. I’ll admit that I’m sorely lacking in the exercise department, so I’m going to dig out my ‘no equipment needed’ workout and will start doing that until we get the machine.

Yeah, I thought I’d put it right there in the title so you can skip over this. I don’t get graphic or anything, but it’s a whiny post to put it in the best light, so…

Anywho, I’m grumpy and I want cake. Or rather, I want TimTams. (Getting fit or not, I think everyone in the world should try TimTams at least once. Especially the double-coated ones. Yum.)

It’s at times like these that how much of an emotional eater I am really comes into light. Things have been a bit tense around the JM household lately, partially due to the fun emotional rollercoaster I have been riding in the past couple of days. (Don’t you, those of you who are, love being a woman?) I don’t mean to do many of the things I do, but I’m very, very sensitive right now.

You (the female readers, anyway) know the drill. And you know that it sucks big, hairy donkey balls.

But increased sensitivity means increased tension, which just makes me upset all over again and… Well, I want some TimTams. Despite all the good I’ve done this month, despite being on a specialized diet with only two weeks to go, despite everything.

The fact that a part of me would happily through all that away for a piece of cheesecake scares me and makes me a bit sad.

It also makes me wonder what I’m scared off. The thing is, this TOM also happens to be coinciding with my ‘self-sabotage stage’. What’s my self-sabotage stage? The point at which I weigh anywhere between 244 and 246. That’s when my mind seems to click over into “oh my, I’m losing weight, panic [for some reason I have yet to figure out]”.

But don’t worry; I’m not going to throw it all away. I have a secret weapon.

Curiosity.

I’ve been on this diet, I know it’s working, and I know it can continue working. And I have always been defined, at least in part, by my curiosity. And I’m curious about what it’s like to be at a healthy weight. I’ve never been there so it’s natural to wonder…

So while I want something sinful, I’ll just bake my heart out, stick to my diet and focus on my curiosity.

May the will power gods be with me.

Yesterday I confessed to the fact that I don’t trust myself to have chocolate in the house with me when I’m alone during the day. After having a talk with my husband, I began to realize just how big of a part psychology is playing in my weight loss (or lack of weight loss).

I know that I have the common lack of confidence that runs rampant among overweight people, but beyond that, I’m a bit clueless and thus a bit clueless as to how to approach things to make them better.

The thing about it is I know when it started. I actually remember one of the first (if not THE) first time I ate until my stomach hurt so, so badly. I was a child then. And now, though I can blame my weight and all the other fun things that come along with it on PCOS, the psychological fixtures remain.

And I don’t know what to do about them.

When do you hit the point when you need to go talk to a professional? Does it even really need to go that far?

The problem is I don’t know where to start. I just plain can’t keep up with food journaling. I have so much going on in my mind that I always forget about it. But then again, maybe that’s the key and I need to start kicking my arse into gear that way.

Maybe I need to explore my true feelings through journaling. Or maybe…

I just don’t know.

How have you faced the psychological side of your weight? Has it been a problem or not much to think about for you?

Tonight my husband asked me – and I can’t remember the segue into it – how I was going with all the ‘weight loss stuff’ and when I was planning to ‘get back into it’. We talked a bit about how I had stuck hardcore to the South Beach diet earlier this year but that had tapered off into not so hardcore but still sticking to most of the basic principles.

While I am more than happy to admit that the lack of progress (losing pounds) doesn’t take long to get to me, I told my husband that I was trying to ‘be good’ until I got to the naturopath appointment (which was scheduled for Monday but got rescheduled to August 1st (grr)) and they could tell me how to fix things.

However, (I went on) if I had to be really honest with myself, I think a lot of my problems come from the psychological side of things. I get daily emails from very weight loss/fitness support groups, and most of the time they ask questions. “What are you getting from being fat?” “What foods are you addicted to? Why?” “What are you giving yourself when you binge and how you can replace that behavior?”

They might not have all been those questions verbatim, but that does pretty much cover it. And the frustrating thing, to me, is that I don’t know. I don’t know what being fat is giving me that causes me to self-sabotage. I don’t know why I still can’t trust myself with chocolate in the house.

Yes, folks, that’s the sad reality. I received a bunch of chocolate from a friend who lives overseas and I just plain don’t trust myself to have it in the house with me when I’m alone during the day…

I was recently talking to a friend about a tense situation she was in the middle of with one of her family members. I remembered back to when my family situation got so bad that I ended up cutting ties and moving across the world.

The thing is people tend to not like change – especially when they are benefiting from things staying the same. In my friend’s case, her family member benefitted from being in control of her. It’s when my friend started standing up for herself and not obeying the whims of the family member that things started getting a little sticky.

The same sort of thing happened in my case when I started trying to stand up for myself and become my own woman. And the same thing can happen to you when you’re trying to lose weight.

Whether you’re the ‘fat friend’ to skinnier people or friends/family with people around your size, you could be giving friends or family benefits you don’t realize you’re giving them.

In the case of the former, having the ‘fat friend’ around makes the others look better. In the latter, people may feel more comfortable around you because they feel like they can eat whatever they want.

When you start changing and getting fit, you may be met with smiles on the outside but also a bit of negative energy in addition.

Whether or not they realize they are doing it – often they won’t realize it and will deny such behavior – you need to take stock of what is really important. If getting fit is important to you, you might need to make some tough decisions.

Have you had to make tough decisions in regards to influences on your fitness journey?

Over on Long Relationships I’m talking about how much you should/do tell your partner. Do you tell little white lies, hold to ‘honesty is the best policy’ no matter what, or do something else. That got me thinking of, well, something unpleasant. It’s something I’m willing to confess here, though, because I know at least some of you will understand.

Earlier this year I had a binge afternoon. It was pretty ugly. Sushi (I’m not supposed to have sushi that involves rice), chocolate cookies (more than one box)… I was not proud of myself at all. I’m also sad to say that I didn’t speak a word of it to my husband.

What I did do was take all the wrappings and stuff them in one of my purses. I figured my purse is the last thing my husband would ever look in, and for months, he didn’t. I then took the purse and put it in my sight so whenever I walked in the room, I would see it and be reminded.

Then one night I was looking for a hat I hadn’t been able to find for weeks. He decides to help me look for it, and guess where the first place he looks is?

As it turns out, he wasn’t disappointed at all. He was sad that I went through it, but for the most part, he was just amused that he found it when I thought it’d be the last place he would look. I had a good cry and he told me it was okay, and I finally felt like a huge burden (that I didn’t realize was there) was lifted off my shoulders.

I’m happy to say that now, I don’t do that anymore. I don’t hide. The time I gave in and had a stress chocolate, it was hard to tell my husband. Ultimately, though? I felt so much better for it. There is nothing like it out there for me that fixes up my behavior better than knowing my husband will know.

Do you have anyone you tell everything to? Do you have a partner to help you through the bad times? Or do you not need one?

I was raised with the belief that cravings are an okay thing. Obey them because if you are craving something, that meant there is something in the food you’re craving that your body needs. However, when I got older and people talked about craving foods that were less than ideal for them, I began to think that cravings were a little more than what I’d been told.

I decided to do a little research because I have not been able to get enough yogurt lately. However, I’ve also been feeling sick to my stomach off and on, which may or may not be caused by being lactose intolerant. So, in theory, if cravings truly are what I was raised to believe, I should be able to replace the yogurt with something else that will give me what my body needs…

According to WebMD, “Surveys estimate that almost 100% of young women and nearly 70% of young men had food cravings during the past year. That covers most of us, doesn’t it?”

Well it’s certainly good to know that I’m not alone! But what does that mean exactly?

According to this article, food cravings pretty much are mostly in your head. Take away the pregnancy cravings side of things, and you’re most likely craving things because you want to calm down, comfort yourself, or are addicted to what you’re craving.

If you’re struggling with food cravings, read the article. It has seven facts about cravings and well as ideas on how to deal with them

As for me, I’m not too worried about yogurt cravings but will be taking a break from it nonetheless so I can see if I’m lactose intolerant.

And you shouldn’t be worried if you’re craving healthy foods. Just take things in moderation.

One of the big reasons I am trying to lose weight is because I want to have as healthy of a pregnancy as I can. While having a baby isn’t in my close financial future, that just means I have more time to work with when it comes to losing weight.

I haven’t gotten on the scale for a couple weeks now, and I’m a bit nervous about the possible ‘damage’ I may have done by not weighing in. Despite that, the worry I feel about that is nothing compared to the stress and depression I was dealing with before, so I’m still glad that I went off the scale for right now.

Towards the end of next month, I have an appointment to see a doctor. I’m both excited and nervous about this appointment because it could mean changes in a lot of ways. I’m hoping to find out why I have such a hard time losing weight. I’m hoping that she’ll make changes to my diet that will help me get even healthier. I’m also hoping that the appointment will be a turning point.

I want to be a mother so badly, but I am afraid that whatever is going on with my body is going to prevent that dream from coming true. I know a lot of women with PCOS (I’m not 100% sure I have PCOS, by the way) just have to lose a little weight and then they get pregnant, but therein lies the problem.

So I guess you can consider me on a bit of a hiatus (though I’ll still be posting) until I go to that appointment and find out what’s going on.

Wish me lots of luck and patience.