Finally Getting Fit

Since my last doctor’s visit, I have had three months to psych myself out and turn myself into a quivering mass of “I don’t want to go” because, frankly, when it comes to people telling me that what I have done isn’t good enough… Well, call that one of my buttons. Press it a couple times and you’ll probably make me cry. Keep pressing it and you’ll never see me again.

The last appointment was a hard hit for me. I came in expecting a ‘good effort’ on something I’d worked hard for and instead I ended up with a ‘that’s not good enough’. The whole thing messed with my head and made me feel down for weeks.

After talking to my husband about it – repeatedly – I have come to realize that I have to stand up for myself. I know, simple lesson, but it’s easier said than done. I keep forgetting that these people aren’t actually a be all and end all authority in my life. They are there to help me, and if I am not satisfied, I can switch to another doctor.

Strange how long it takes some people to learn the little things, huh?

What it all comes down to is that I have a choice if need be and I shouldn’t let anyone knock me down for being proud of something. What is awesome for me is awesome for me. Period.

Now if only I didn’t have to talk to myself so much just to be able to tolerate going to the doctor.

Yay team social anxiety!

According to Mr. JM, there are three kinds of people in life: starters, runners and finishers.

I think Mr. JM is a runner, to be honest, but I fall quite squarely into the starter category. I can be a runner and a finisher when I need to be (as can we all) but starting is what gets me excited. I like to get the ball rolling, start seeing results and then go on my merry weigh.

Naturally, I’m a yo-yo dieter.

Because I’ve realized the ‘starter’ quality of my personality, I focus on the little accomplishments I have been making every day. I know I’m in this for the long haul, but I keep that fact pushed to the back of my mind so I can keep the starting excitement going.

But, along with being a starter, I’m also impatient.

For healthy weight loss, impatience isn’t all that great. Being sick of being fat doesn’t mean the pounds melt off. Heck, if I woke up tomorrow at my ideal weight, I think I might panic and eat chocolate cake or something.

Impatience is doubly bad because I have PCOS. Normal, healthy weight loss is about one to two pounds per week. For women with PCOS half a pound to one pound lost per week is pretty damn good. My body is a great starter – I’ve lost up to six pounds in one week before. But then it slows down. It hates the running stage.

And so, I must wait, work out, be patient and be proud of what I have accomplished so far.

I’m wondering, though – do you get impatient?

Today I am on the road with Mr. JM. My wonderful friend Jenera of Just Me and Jenera Healy Photography has been kind enough to take over for the day. I couldn’t be leaving my blog in more trusted hands…

According to WebMD, the symptoms of binge eating are as follows:

* Eat way too much in a short period of time (less than 2 hours) on a regular basis.
* Eat when you are not hungry, to ease stress or to comfort yourself.
* Eat for emotional reasons, such as being sad, angry, lonely, or bored.
* Feel like you can’t stop eating.
* Eat faster than normal when you binge.
* Eat so much that you feel painfully full.
* Feel unhappy, upset, guilty, or depressed after you binge.
* Eat alone because you are embarrassed about how much you eat.

I do not think that binge eating or any other eating disorders are anything to be taken lightly. You may be having problems losing weight but it isn’t always going to be the result of a disorder of any type.

However, I was searching the internet trying to find motivation, tips, and support for losing weight. I have been questioning myself on why I just can’t seem to not eat. I don’t feel that there is an emotional void I’m filling though I do admit to eating more when stressed.

While reading through the symptoms or signs of bingeing, I found myself nodding my head. I DO eat when I’m not hungry. I DO eat in secret. I DO eat way past my full level.

My husband is a truck driver and is gone on the week for days at a time. I do more eating while he is gone than when he is home. There have been times I have waited for him to go to work before making a huge pot of pasta and then eating every single bit.

I know this is inhibiting my weight loss. I know that I do not need to eat as much as I do. I try to stay busy and to not dwell on the thought of food. I can do so well all day but come evening time, it’s constant eating for me. I feel terrible afterwards but I still do it.

Does this mean I am a binge eater? Maybe, maybe not. Do I have an unhealthy relationship with food? Probably.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I should talk to my husband about it but even then, what would the next step be? Would I need to take a next step? Or is recognizing the behavior the biggest one?

Have you dealt with a similar situation or other eating disorders in your quest to lose weight?

When I was talking to Mr. JM the other day about how I am going to get back into exercise slowly and how I was pretty sure I couldn’t last twenty minutes straight anymore, we got to talking about why I stopped exercising.

The biggest reason was the recurrence of mono, of course. However, the seeds of discouragement had been planted a few days before the virus took me down.

When I first went to see my doctor at the women’s clinic, I proudly told her that I could go twenty minutes on the elliptical without stopping. Sure, I was a bit shaky afterwards, but I could go twenty minutes and I was damn proud of that fact.

Then my doctor told me that ‘twenty minutes is nothing’ and that I needed to be doing and hour to an hour and a half of exercise.

Of course, all the times in my life when I’d been proud of something and nobody cared or it wasn’t good enough crashed back down on me. And, as I told my husband, I just lost the will when I perceived my best to not be good enough.

Mr. JM got angry at that and asked, “Well, could she do twenty minutes on the elliptical?”

I smiled. My doctor certainly could not, being a heck of a lot shorter and rounder than me. But in her mind, because she put in the right time amount, she was doing better than I was.

Mr. JM shook his head at the silliness of it. “The thing most doctors are missing these days is that diet and exercise is extremely personal.”

Of course, he’s right. One size never fits all in the health world and I’d just forgotten that fact.

My next appointment is mid-May (the long wait is because she wants to see how I take to being back on birth control), and I am more prepared for this appointment. I am already steeling myself to remember that something is better than nothing and building up from a little is more sustainable that trying for the whole thing the first time.

Because I’m exercising now and that’s awesome because exercise is something I avoided most of my life. Putting any effort is a step up from the way I used to be.

I rock. So there.

Hehehe.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous post about the picture. I didn’t know if I was just being silly or if anyone would understand why I would hesitate to look.

As I figured would happen, my husband was entirely too enthusiastic to let me get away without looking at it for long. If I had any weird feelings about it, I would have made him wait, but I figured it was time to look and get it over with.

“Gobsmacked” is the most fitting word for how I felt when I saw it.

I did have a bit of a chuckle later because my initial reaction was, “I look tall.” But, take the thickness out of my thighs and waist, and I do seem to look taller just because of the curves. Seeing my face thinner is nice, too, though my husband reckons they got the shape wrong and that I’ll have a heart-shaped face when I lose the weight.

Yes, Mr. JM was very enthusiastic. I joked with him about “my husband is having an affair with me”.

All in all, it’s quite weird (and a little depressing, comparing the current photo) but I think it’s a tool that is going to be an important part of things.

Am I impressed? Definitely! If you think it can help, then definitely give PictureYourselfThinner a go. I highly recommend it.

Is it going to be a motivation? Yes, I think so. I noticed a difference in my attitudes almost straightaway. The picture certainly isn’t a miracle pill or anything, but I think it will be a big help when I have copies on the fridge, on the elliptical, on my desk…

Interesting times.

A couple weeks ago, the very sweet Cammy from Tippy Toe Diet offered the awesome prize of five chances to win a free PictureYourselfThinner ‘makeover’. Basically, you send a current photo in and they, using their awesome photoshop methods, take the weight off to show you what you’d look like with x amount of pounds gone.

As I mentioned to Cammy when I entered, I have no idea what I’d look like thin. Maybe not no idea – I do look in mirrors – but I don’t have things like old photos showing me thin or anything like that. I’ve been overweight for a long, long time. So, to be able to see myself thin… Well, that would be a first, pretty much.

I happened to be one of the very lucky five winners who got this photo treatment done. After a bit of procrastinating (I’ve been busy – I promise!), I finally had my husband take the photo and I sent it in last night.

Prompt people that they are, the results are back already and I have my very own ‘before and after’ shots without having actually achieved the ‘after’ yet.

I haven’t looked at it yet.

I know, I know. Some of you would be quite gung ho and would open that email in a heartbeat, but I just can’t do it yet.

Why? Part of me is afraid. I mean, I’ll be seeing a side of myself I’ve never seen before. I’m not afraid I’ll look downright ugly or anything, but it’s kind of weird to face up to the ‘skinny chick stuck inside me’.

I won’t wait forever, though. Don’t worry. I do think, however, that I’ll wait until my husband gets home from work.

As I mentioned before, one of the things I am going to be doing some journaling type stuff to help myself get through the psychological blocks I’ve experienced pretty much ever since I started trying to achieve a healthier lifestyle.

I just want to say that I really care for and appreciate the friends I’ve made through this site. That’s why I’m comfortable enough to put some of this stuff out there. I don’t have the best past (or the worst for that matter) so some of the things I share might be a little uncomfortable to some people.

I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with me or this site, so I apologize in advance if I end up doing that. I’m not going to get into real nitty-gritty details, but I do know that some people are more sensitive than others. I probably won’t even touch on the sensitive stuff here too often, so it won’t be a big deal.

If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. A hug is always welcome or keep silent if you feel the need.

That being said, I think today is the day I’m going to really start diving into the journaling. After a lot of thought, there are three main childhood memories that I think are the best places to start for addressing the issues.

Memory 1: Earliest Food Memory

Sitting alone at the table when everyone else was done. They were all watching television and my mother had turned off all but one of the kitchen lights. I sat there, alone, still eating. I was probably four.

Memory 2: First/Worst Binge Eating Incident

When I was about five or six, I sat down to the evening meal and ate as much as I could as fast as I could. I didn’t even really chew most of it. Later that night, I was in bed groaning in pain until I ended up getting sick all over myself.

Memory 3: Buying My Own Food

Another memory from five or six, maybe earlier. I had an allowance of a dollar and I remember getting stroppy with the bank woman for suggesting I put more money in my savings account. I only put half (fifty cents) in because I was so determined to buy at least a little food for myself.

What I’m going to do with these memories or where they’ll take me, I don’t know. I do feel like they’re a good starting place, though.

Oh, boy.

It’s only day two for getting back to healthier, regular eating and exercise, and I’m already trying to sabotage myself.

On one hand, it’s probably a good sign. The voices of temptation and sabotage popping up this early means I’m on the right track, treating myself right and doing the things I need to do for a healthy body. But, as you can imagine, it’s also a pain in the arse to have to deal with that stuff already.

Giving myself flexibility in my menu has turned out to be the best decision I could have made. Not only do I not have that invisible ‘must eat this’ pressure, but I have also discovered some awesome snack alternatives (tuna! Tuna in a can! With Vita Wheats! Yum!) that I wouldn’t have tried had I stuck strictly to the menu.

It’s hard to be facing my demons so quickly, just when I’m getting my feet under me with a new plan, but like I said – it must mean I’m doing the right thing.

Today when I went to pick up some groceries and new shoes, the moment I stepped into the mall I felt bombarded with tempty thoughts. You know the ones:

“You could have just one.” “No one would know.” “You don’t HAVE to write EVERYTHING in your food diary.”

I battled those thoughts with the usual ones, but surprisingly, the one that seemed to work the best (but hasn’t in the past) is: “I need to prove to myself that I can do this.”

After I thought that, I got distracted with other things. I was tempted again a little in the grocery store, but I just stocked up on some yummy tuna and got a ‘yogurt to go’ to try as a treat.

So here is do one day won, and many more to come.

For this week’s Monday Mailbag, I asked how you go about taking care of your emotional self.

Emotional eating isn’t something every overweight person has to deal with. Some people need nutritional guidance and they lose the weight. Some people just have to find a healthy eating program that works for their personality and they lose the weight.

Other people have the ‘lighter’ emotional eating problems. For them, most often a food diary is helpful because they realize when they are eating because they are bored rather than because they are hungry.

For some of us, though, the issues go deeper. They can go a lot deeper.

Sometimes food is the one thing that has always been there. The one thing that has never and will never betray. Or perhaps, food and binging feels like the one thing a person can control in life. In very sad times, stuffing one’s body until they hurt is the only way to feel after a person has gone numb to the world.

Other times, the emotional attachments are murky, and it’s hard to figure out exactly what they are and how to deal with them.

To be completely honest, the emotional side of eating is something I haven’t been sure about how to approach. For the sake of simplicity, I’m pairing up the emotional side of eating along with the psychological side. If I need to, I’ll separate them.

I have a starting point, and for that I am grateful, but I don’t know where to go from here. I’d really rather not go to a therapist, but that might be my only answer. I’ll definitely try journaling first and reducing negative self-talk.

Any suggestions are welcome.

For this week’s Monday Mailbag, I asked:

What have you accomplished so far in 2009?

Now, I should have put my answer up earlier, given I’m the one who asked the question, but you know how life happens. I’m still dealing with Fatigue Factor +10 with this silly head cold/sinus infection/whatever, so I’ve been a bit lazy over the past week or so.

This is a hard question, and I debated even trying to answer it…

I don’t feel like I have accomplished much this year, and yet I feel like I have done so much.

While I don’t have a lot of success in the poundage area to report, I have done a lot in regards to other things. I took a huge step by going to the Women’s Clinic to get things on the right track to get straightened out. I don’t really want to go back on The Pill, but – another one of my accomplishments – I realized that I have to do what’s necessary to keep my body going as well as it can until I get my weight down.

The reason I decided to answer this question is because there is one big thing that I feel is an accomplishment, even if I have nothing physical to show for it.

I have begun to examine what’s going on with me mentally in regards to food. I know what I have to do to lose weight, so why am I not losing weight? Well, that’s a can of worms I’ve finally been brave enough to open and it’s a pretty crazy can.

Even so, I think that’s a big accomplishment. I have food issues from way back to some of my earliest memories, so we’re talking about some deeply rooted things. But I have come to realize that I’m never going to lose weight (and keep it off) if I keep avoiding those things.

So here’s to mental bravery…

When it comes to getting fit, it’s always important to know you have people who love and support you in your journey. My poor husband has to hear a lot of my rants, but it’s wonderful to know that he sympathizes and is there to support me to matter what.

Dear wife,

I am not the best of men but being with you, having you to look after, to help, to hold and to provide focus in my life makes me try to be. There are times when I feel badly about myself for no other reason than I think I am not the best you should have and I am not able to provide you with everything.

Your support, your love, your way of reacting to life gives me purpose, opens my heart and shows me how much I missed in the years before I found you.

We have come a long way from the early days and we are still on the journey, but even in the worst times we have I can’t conceive of going back to a life without you in it.

I hurt when you hurt; I hurt when you are denied things that come easy to others. I try to help with how you cope with the disappointments of trying to lose weight and feel inadequate because I can’t find ways to help you achieve what you wish for so fervently.

Life with you is a revelation each day, bringing me back into a world i had almost left, showing me how much there is to be found and enjoyed.

I’m not good at expressing my love, so I try to show how I feel by how I act, what i can give and by making as good a life for you as I can. I fail often it seems but I love you and it keeps me trying.

There’s no ‘I’ in Team, nor any ‘you’ but you and I together make a team and we’re getting better at it I think.

All my love,
Mr. JM

Recently a friend took my husband and me out to lunch as a thank you for my husband fixing his computer. We went to a lovely little place that has excellent food. (Seafood salad for me! Yum!)

The conversation wandered through many things – especially the heat – and eventually we got to exercise and fitness.

He mentioned people he and my husband used to work with and how they would sit all day at their desk, never moving. Lunch got ordered in. Snacks were in ample supply stuffed in desk drawers. He mentioned how he sees those people who are younger than him and yet aren’t have as healthy as he is. And yet, most of them would be if they just attempted to move around and eat healthier.

Being the most overweight one at the table, I figured I’d jump in. I told him how frustrating it can be to hear people complain about their weight-related pains when you just saw them eat a chocolate éclair. Whereas I’m putting effort in and nothing is happening.

He told me (what I’ve heard a million times), “It all comes down to how much you take in and how much you exercise.”

We talked a little bit longer after that point, but I quieted down. I wanted to tell him that no, that’s not all there is to it for some people.

But I couldn’t.

I don’t want “it’s a hormone problem” to be my excuse, even though that is what everything has been pointing to so far. I don’t want to utter those words because I don’t want people to think I have or ever will give up. I know people who have given up. I know people who have convinced themselves that “it’s out of their hands” while they reach for the next bloody chocolate.

My husband stepped in and mentioned how I’m going to the clinic in a fortnight because it appears that there is something more going on that is messing with things. My husband is wonderful like that.

The conversation changed soon after that, but I couldn’t help but wonder if our friend thought I was just another one of those people blaming my weight on everything but myself…

For Monday Mailbag this week, I asked:

How do you handle people who ‘force’ food on other people?

In my life, I haven’t had a lot of people who have tried to force food on me. It’s happened – a grandparent here, a party hostess there – but there aren’t any scarring incidents, by any means.

One reason for that is I have a hard time saying no. I’ve probably given in more often than I’ve stood up for myself on the food front. It comes from this deep-rooted need for everyone to be happy with me. I’ve been working on it, but you know what they say by old habits…

When I avoid, I more often than not just agree but then avoid the person who told me to eat this or that until enough time has passed that s/he has forgotten. Or I just keep my wineglass and plate full until the person in question has stopped focusing on everyone having food.

Yes, I do have a certain person in mind when I talk about this, but I still love the person despite it. I know that the person in question has the same issues as me when it comes to everyone being happy, so I tolerate it better with that person than I would with other people.

I think Hanlie gave my favourite response on her blog when she wrote:

“With people I don’t know that well, I simply say, “No really. Doctor’s orders!” They don’t have to know that I haven’t been to a doctor in years! And surely they wouldn’t be nosy enough to ask for more details!”

Does anyone else know the Billy Joel song ‘Honesty’? Anyway…

I was wandering around Hanlie’s blog (I do that a lot, lately) and she mentioned in this post about having a gain over the holidays and posting it on her weight stats page. It got me thinking…

I hate reporting a gain. I’ll do it – I’ll be honest, but I really hate reporting a gain.

I feel like I have ‘failed’ everyone who reads my blog somehow. Therein lies the double-edged sword of keeping yourself accountable by long. It’s a great motivation to keep you going, but when you gain, you feel guilty.

Not to mention that my weight loss (or lack thereof ) goes beyond ‘I need to shape up my eating and then I’ll lose weight’. I’ve shaped up my eating (I used to be a soda, chocolate, fast food, and pretzels girl – all processed all the way), been exercising more than I ever have and I’ve been sticking at the same weight range. Yay for hormones (or whatever is going on).

I would still rather have the risk of guilt than no blog – I love the support! And supporting others – but it’s always tough to report a gain. But then again, maybe it’s just all in my head and I have weird guilt issues when it comes to gaining weight. That’s always possible.

Does anyone else run into this? Do you have any feelings of guilt (or anything else) when you report a gain? Or do you have no trouble posting gains? Do you use it as further motivation?

Jenera recently asked if you are the kind of person to make NY resolutions or not. She mentions that she doesn’t think she has ever made an official resolution and that she has the general goal of being ‘fit and fabulous’ come (northern hemisphere) summer.

I got to thinking about my life and resolutions. Yes, it’s true I’ve made some more-or-less ‘official’ resolutions, but not anything all that spectacular. Not anything I can really remember, either.

I don’t like making ultra-specific resolutions because I feel that’s setting myself up for failure. My life doesn’t run just according to me and outside influences happen.

Like, I’d love to say, “I want to lose fifty pounds in 2009”. Sounds good, but it might not happen because I have other hormonal/body factors that keep me from losing weight like I should. (That’s the general consensus at the moment.)

But who knows? Maybe I’ll win the lottery and get some liposuction to get me started. Or maybe they’ll figure out what part of me is being so stubborn and fix/help it and the pounds will come off like they should. Those sort of things are a bit out of my control so I don’t want to set the specific goal.

My goals are general ones, and thus I call them goals instead of resolutions. I’d like to lose as much weight as I healthily can. I want to lower my cholesterol. I want exercise to become an even more regular part of my life. I want to ovulate on my own.

So, in the end, I’m more of a ‘leave them’ person when it comes to resolutions. They usually just end up making people feel guilty.

How about you?