Finally Getting Fit

Hello all!

This past week I have been feeling like I’ve been off track. I was still doing the meal replacement for most meals and eating healthy food for other meals, but I still had that sense of ‘betraying’ myself and not sticking to the course. While I made good choices, I could feel myself getting closer and closer to stepping over a line that would lead me back to unhealthy eating.

The husband and I had a heart to heart about my eating that really helped me to refocus on what I want. I recognized that I haven’t been reigning myself in as much lately as I should have.

Sometimes all you need to re-inspire yourself and get going again is to say your goals out loud.

Telling my husband all about my next goal and how I’m feeling has really gotten me going this week. I’m back on the elliptical every morning, I have my kick ass attitude back and much more.

The goal I am focusing on right now is getting to the 220 mark by my next doctor’s appointment in August. 220 just so happens to be the 100 kilo mark and I’m all about the even numbers and such.

Not to mention how much I would love to walk into that office three months after my last appointment – the appointment where she said I’d have to go on metformin if I didn’t lose at least a little weight by the next appointment – having lost thirty kilos.

It’s going to be tough, but I think I can do it. And if I don’t get there? I’ve still done an amazing job so far.

How are you going?

When I started doing meal replacement, I joined up on the company’s website. It’s a nice place to go to keep track of your stats as well as talking to people who really know what you’re going through because they are doing exactly the same thing you are.

The topic we’ve been talking about a lot lately is our relationship to/with food.

Boy-o did I never have a good one.

Food has served three purposes during my life.

A Way to Feel

I started binge eating when I was about four. Probably earlier, but most of my earliest memories are from about four. Though I didn’t recognize it until much later, I had a screwed-up childhood. I craved food – well, I craved eating until it hurt – as a way to feel something.

A Comfort

When I got into my teenager years (and earlier than that), food became my comfort. Nothing soothed your hurts like a pint of Ben and Jerry’s choc chip cookie dough ice cream while watching your favourite television show or movie. Good nights were pizza nights or nights when we had treats for dessert. Fresh food and cooking from scratch wasn’t done a lot at my parent’s place.

A Punishment

I met my husband online while I was at university and he was the one who began teaching me about healthier food. It’s thanks to him that I started eating more fresh fruit and vegetables. It’s thanks to him that I stopped a lot of unhealthy food behaviors.

But then, after I got back to my parent’s place after uni, I knew enough about food to use it against myself. Whenever I felt the need to punish myself, I’d get a Big Mac meal from McDonald’s and wash it down with a big cup of soda. I would eat sugary things – cheap sugary things with artificial colours probably being the last of worries.

And Now?

I’m finally finding my peace with food. I appreciate the finer things, more nutritional things. I can finally separate out flavours and I have even found a place where I feel great about myself – cooking from scratch in the kitchen.

I get sad thinking about where I’ve been in regards to food in my life, but at least now I can view it as what it is: sustenance.

I do this sort of thing on Fiction Scribe when there are a lot of interesting things I’ve read lately that I want to point to. I haven’t really had a need to do so here until things piled up on me this week.

So here we go!

Hanlie at Fertile Healthy has caught the Blah Bug that I’ve been dealing with the past few days. Head over and show her some love.

Cammy at Tippy Toe Diet has a giveaway going on for folks in the US. That doesn’t include me, so I figured I would promote it instead of entering. A copy of Eric R. Braverman’s Younger (Thinner) You Diet is up for grabs.

Foodie McBody at FoodFoodBodyBody put up a post last week that I have been itching to comment on here ever since I read it. Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer is a post about Foodie’s ‘body philosophy’ for lack of better words. She talks about being mindful, being thankful, paying attention to what you eat and more. All points that I think most - if not all - of the diet plans, systems, etc miss completely. Definitely worth a read.

Why Health Advice on Oprah Could Make You Sick - Yes, there actually is someone out there who isn’t a fan of Oprah. This is a long article on how Oprah apparently doesn’t realize just how much she influences people and how she ‘innocently’ gears her shows to ‘innocently’ support causes she sometimes later denies. All up, it’s a reminder that we’re all different, so no one can be a true, infallible expert.

And there you have it! All the bits and bobs I’ve been wanting to point out over the past week or so.

SW: 264
LW: 238
CW: 236

Total Squats: 199
Total Push Ups: 147
Total Sit-Ups: 223

Today I saw a gain of two pounds on the scale. One of the nicest things on the planet? Seeing a gain and not freaking out. I went up by about two pounds, but that is still less than I was at last week, so obviously I’m happy. Even despite all that, I think the best part isn’t being less than last week but being okay with the gain I saw this morning.

Sure, I want to do something about it, but it didn’t ruin my day. I just thought about all the things I did yesterday (including not drinking enough water), other factors that could contribute (week before TOM) and that was that. I’m going to do better today. And there you have it.

I guess I’m just stunned over the fact that I can take that sort of thing now. Granted I may have felt differently about a four pound gain, but the best thing about this diet is that my weight doesn’t instantly shoot up huge amount by just thinking about ‘naughty’ things.

Other things are going well. I started the second week (I’m a week behind Cammy *waves*) of the challenge this morning, and I must say that I’m not fond of squats. Hehe. However, I am recovering better and faster than I did in the very beginning, so that is a plus.

I’m having a hard time imagining being any thinner than I am at the moment. I’ve tightened up a bit on my stomach and definitely around my face and neck, but it has been so incredibly long since I was in my 220s (almost there!) that I’m wondering what it (and beyond) will be like.

Wonderful, I’m sure.

I hope you all are doing very well.

I was responding to comments the other night and came across Little Miss Fatty’s Pants weight loss blog. While she is struggling a little bit with things right now, she has taken that all-important step of deciding to make her life a better, longer, healthier one.

I was looking through her past posts, and there was one that contained a letter to her boyfriend.

While her letter was a short one, it conveyed the love she has for her boyfriend and the appreciation she has for him looking out for her.

Well, that inspired me to write a thank-you to my husband…

Dear Mr. JM,

Me

I have had a few people ask me lately about the Tibetan Rites, as I have mentioned that I am combining them with three challenges: 200 Squats, 100 Push Ups, 200 Sit-Ups

If you’re curious about the Five Tibetan Rites, there is an easy print version you can take a look at and print off. It’s not that many pages, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.

You can read about the background of the Rites, but most people want to know the benefits…

“Potential Benefits of the Five Rites

The authors provide many examples of the benefits of the “Five Tibetan Rites” including the following: looking much younger; sleeping soundly; waking up feeling refreshed and energetic; release from serious medical problems including difficulties with spines; relief from problems with joints; release from pain; better memory; arthritis relief; weight loss; improved vision; youthing instead of aging; greatly improved physical strength, endurance and vigor; improved emotional and mental health; enhanced sense of well being and harmony; and very high overall energy.”

Personally, the first thing I noticed when I started doing the Tibetan Rites was the fact I wasn’t cracking and popping so much. My back, my right wrist and my right knee seem to pop all the time and sometimes get sore to the point I need to ‘pop’ them. Not anymore. The Tibetan Rites took care of that within a few days.

I’m not sure about some of those claims, but I do feel more peaceful and better in a general way when I am doing the exercises. It feels like they are ‘just right’ for starting my day off well.

Whether it’s helping me with the weight loss, it probably is. I use muscles I probably wouldn’t use all that much doing them. And keep in mind that all this is happening for me, and I’m still on the alternate techniques because I don’t quite feel up to the full techniques yet.

If you start using the Tibetan Rites, please let me know. I’d love to get other people’s opinions on it.

As I mentioned before, I’m combining the triple-threat challenge (hehe, I kind of like that) along with the Tibetan Rites (which I will post about soon, Foodie!). Along with getting out when the sunshine was available, this combination was exactly what I needed (and I knew it would be).

Take a look…

Ah, look at that beauty. And, for my friends who interpret things in pounds…

I am just one pound away from my next reward – new pajama pants! – but I’m not thinking about that very much at the moment. I’m thinking more about how I’m at my lowest weight in years, I feel great and exercise is more than proving itself to be a useful thing!

(Of course, exercise is always useful, but now it’s actually helping the scale to move.)

Things have been a bit weird for me, to be honest, and I’ve been spending a lot of time examining how I feel about things like the weight loss, my life, my work, etc. I’ve been quite stuck in my own head for a while now, but I think that’s okay for the moment. I’m figuring a lot of self-stuff out.

I sincerely hope everyone is doing well.

I’ve mentioned on this blog a few times how I have managed to lose weight before and yet, for some reason, I hit my sabotage point – 244 – and screw it all up in one way or another. For some reason, that number always trips me up. It’s like something clicks in my head and I feel like ‘it’s okay’ to just drop everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve.

But something different has happened this time.

I talked yesterday about how moving the scale from the lounge to the tiled floor of the kitchen gave me not only a steadier scale that didn’t need constant adjusting but also a six pound difference in my weight.

Well, that six pound difference just so happened to take me right past my sabotage weight and plant me firmly on the other side.

Huh.

The moment I had been dreading trying to get past was suddenly gone. Poof. No need to deal with it.

And I have even lost another two pounds since then.

I always knew that the sabotage point was well and truly just in my mind, but to pass it so easily was… weird. And strangely, a complete non-event.

Knowing that I had suddenly gotten past the sabotage point with ‘no muss no fuss’ has apparently broken whatever hold it had over me in my mind. I smirked at being past it, but I focused more on being near (and now in) my 230s.

Is that weird or what? Something that had been so big to me is just gone.

Hooray!

There was an interesting topic on Food Food Body Body the other week that I thought would be of interest to my friends here as well, and it’s on the subject of whether or not you use your real weight on your website/blog or not.

I guess I kind of tread the line when it comes to using real weight and not revealing the numbers.

Sometimes I wonder about whether I should reveal my real weight at all because I know people I know in person could easily (or have already) find this blog. Do I really want them to know?

I can understand why other people wouldn’t want the people in their lives knowing, but I am okay with that – keeping in mind how much I do/don’t post my real weight these days. I can’t exactly hide the fact that I’m overweight, so it doesn’t make much difference to me if people know *how* overweight I am.

If anything, revealing that I am trying to lose weight has garnered me support from some unexpected places.

I think it is wonderful when people use their real weights because I think there is a freedom in doing so. However, I know personally what it’s like to post your weight when you have gained or there is a stall in the weight loss. It’s almost like pouring lemon juice in a wound to have to do that.

In the end, I don’t care what anyone does. I just love reading blogs about people who are getting healthy.

I know I have probably mentioned it here a few times, but I am a complete stress addict. I would have to be filed under ‘addict’ with how much I seem to stress over every little thing. I don’t think I am as much of a worrier as anyone else, but I am an empathizer – which means I pick up on and take on a lot of other people’s emotions. (The M household is a very fun one, given that Mr. JM can rarely hide what he is feeling from me.)

This makes me a great sympathizer and friend, but it’s not so great for my health.

The bad things stress does to your body include:

*High blood pressure and other problems
*Joint and muscle pain
*Digestive problems
*Skin problems
*Lowered immune system
*Low fertility

And that’s just an introduction to what stress can do to your body.

I’m lucky enough to have always had perfect blood pressure, but who knows how long that will last if I don’t learn to relax. Given that fertility is one of my main concerns as well, I have plenty of motivators to learn to relax. But, as I’ve found with losing weight, things are much easier said than done.

But I do want to change. I am convinced that part of my weight loss difficult puzzle is stress. It may not be the biggest piece, but it is a contributor I cannot keep ignoring. And that is ignoring the havoc that it is wrecking on my body.

What do you to avoid stress? To relax? To find peace?

No, the title is not a typo.

I was thinking about what I said for this week’s Monday Mailbag:

“Call me crazy, but I think, no matter what, everyone should like at least one thing about their body. Small, big, something that happens occasionally (like a smile) or something you see all the time, if you don’t love at least one thing about your body, I don’t think you will be able to get fit. At least, not easily.”

…and I felt the need to explain myself a bit more.

When I began on my journey to getting fit, I had a lot to learn. Heck, I still have a lot to learn. But one of the lessons that stands out to me the most is that no one can do this for you but you, and you can do it for no one but you.

I think it’s all fine and well to be trying to get fit for your parents, your lover, your children, etc. They are all wonderful motivations. But it is my sincere belief that you have to do it for you as well, or you are very likely going to fail. As I have asked here in the past:

If you don’t care about you, how can you expect anyone else to?

A little self-love goes a long way in the journey to getting fit. If you are convinced this is a battle against your body, then a battle it will be. But if you care about yourself and love yourself enough to get fit, it’s a labour of love instead of a battle. And labours of love are always easier than battles.

So look at the mirror every once in a while and give yourself a smile. You’re worth it.

I decided to be brave today and post my weight statistics.

Starting Weight: 264
Current Weight: 254

Ten pounds gone! I should be happy, shouldn’t I…

Maybe because I’m doing work on some diet guru’s blog or maybe I’m still extra vulnerable right now, but I’m really not feeling the joy over my loss right now.

My weight keeps bouncing around in increments of two pounds, which is completely fine when you’re still in the beginning of a diet and your body is trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

I just feel like a failure for some reason. Don’t ask me why. My logical mind says I should be thrilled – I’m well on my way! My emotional mind is still a scared little girl afraid of disappointing anyone for any sort of perceived slight. I don’t feel like ten pounds is good enough.

I’m in such an emotionally sensitive place right now, and I’m not sure why. I’m just going to deal with things as they come and take care of myself as best I can.

There is a shining light in all this, though.

When Mr. JM came home, he immediately noticed I was in a down mood. We talked a bit and he asked me if I had done anything to compromise my diet. I was almost confused for a moment.

The old me would have used this as a perfect excuse to go off the diet. The new me? Well, I didn’t even think of going off the diet. Truly. It didn’t even occur to me.

So progress is happening – even on the psychological front.

I’m running late with everything today. Posts, work, things I promised to mail, craft projects… Even dinner is being served late tonight – but at least that one isn’t entirely my fault. Either way, it’s late and husband is enjoying his meat loaf (my first try at making one and apparently a success – he asked for seconds) and veggies, and I am enjoying my daily portion of veggies.

Have I mentioned how much I like mushrooms?

Switching over to the intense phase of this program – meaning three meal replacements, one serve of fruit, one serve of veggies in a small amount of oil – has been interesting, and certainly not without its little dramas. Thankfully, though, I seemed to have passed the hump of physical adjustment which, in my case, came in the form of a little bit of fatigue and a pounding headache.

My body has adjusted surprisingly fast to the new schedule. Though I have some trouble at night (psychologically, likely because that’s usually when we have our biggest meal), my stomach now grumbles like clockwork; it only gets impatient when I start pushing past the times when I am supposed to eat.

Somewhere in me there was this fear that I would be criticized for taking this route, despite knowing that this is the kind of thing I need right now. However, I’ve been pleased to find people are supportive. Once they understand how insulin resistance works and how difficult it is for women with PCOS to lose weight, they seem more impressed with my dedication to my health than anything else.

My husband even ran into a woman who had done meal replacement before, but she gained the weight back by returning to her old habits.

I’m not ready to go back to posting my statistics just yet, but I can say without a doubt that this is working well for me. I’m in a great place right now.

PS. Yes, I’m still planning on having a virtual party when I get past my 244 sabotage point.

If you have been reading this blog for a while – or just know me – you know that I start things on Mondays. Call it my little obsession, but I have always felt this need to start things on Mondays.

Now I break the habit.

I know I’ve talked up new diet plans before, but I feel like I could really have a winner this time. Between meal replacement and exercise taking care of the physical and a technique called EFT taking care of the emotional, I feel like this well-rounded approach could very well see me to my goal weight by this time next year. (At this point, I’m shooting for 170 pounds, which is 94 pounds down from my highest weight.)

Before starting a new diet or plan, I usually give myself a few days to take in (aka eat) whatever I might miss while on the plan. But, if you think about it, that is really the start of the plan. If you start a plan with letting yourself have whatever you want, then are you really going to last?

Anyway, day one did consist of doing meal replacement during the day and having a normal meal for dinner, but that’s it. Full on to the plan now.

The thing about this time is that I battled my initial emotions (including an obsessive battle with a “need” for cookies) with the EFT program. That made me feel all the more comfortable about getting started straightaway.

Plus, as Mr. JM said, “You always started on Mondays in the past, but you haven’t stuck to doing them either.”

He wasn’t being critical. He was just pointing out that sometimes you have to ditch ALL the old habits to get the results you want.

Let’s hope, hm?

I have to say that I can already tell that stopping posting my weight stats on here for right now was the right thing to do. The feeling isn’t incredibly massive, but I do feel like a stress has been taken away. And it’s not that I don’t think you all understand the highs and lows; it’s all in the craziness of my own head.

That being said…

Things have been going pretty well lately. The doctor’s appointment revealed some good news – which I’ll talk about in a later post. I feel like I am getting closer to the core issues I have with food, appearance, eating, etc.

It’s always weird when you’re trying to dredge up memories. There are reasons the memories were hidden in the first place, so you run into all sorts of interesting road blocks along the way. Anything from uncomfortable feelings to convincing yourself of things (or trying to) can pop up.

Self-examination is also never easy. Nobody is perfect, so facing your hang-ups is hard. But I’m keeping on with it because I know I have to.

On the physical side of things, I’m working on waking up my sleepy digestive system. I’m eating even more veggies than ever and I’m taking a herbal blend that is supposed to help with bowel function. (I feel kind of weird talking about all that, but it goes part and parcel with things…)

If that doesn’t help, I’m going to go the meal replacement route (just one meal replaced a day, no worries) to help me stay steady while I get my head stuff worked out.

Interesting times ahead…

I hope all of you are doing well.