Finally Getting Fit

Hello all!

This past week I have been feeling like I’ve been off track. I was still doing the meal replacement for most meals and eating healthy food for other meals, but I still had that sense of ‘betraying’ myself and not sticking to the course. While I made good choices, I could feel myself getting closer and closer to stepping over a line that would lead me back to unhealthy eating.

The husband and I had a heart to heart about my eating that really helped me to refocus on what I want. I recognized that I haven’t been reigning myself in as much lately as I should have.

Sometimes all you need to re-inspire yourself and get going again is to say your goals out loud.

Telling my husband all about my next goal and how I’m feeling has really gotten me going this week. I’m back on the elliptical every morning, I have my kick ass attitude back and much more.

The goal I am focusing on right now is getting to the 220 mark by my next doctor’s appointment in August. 220 just so happens to be the 100 kilo mark and I’m all about the even numbers and such.

Not to mention how much I would love to walk into that office three months after my last appointment – the appointment where she said I’d have to go on metformin if I didn’t lose at least a little weight by the next appointment – having lost thirty kilos.

It’s going to be tough, but I think I can do it. And if I don’t get there? I’ve still done an amazing job so far.

How are you going?

I do this sort of thing on Fiction Scribe when there are a lot of interesting things I’ve read lately that I want to point to. I haven’t really had a need to do so here until things piled up on me this week.

So here we go!

Hanlie at Fertile Healthy has caught the Blah Bug that I’ve been dealing with the past few days. Head over and show her some love.

Cammy at Tippy Toe Diet has a giveaway going on for folks in the US. That doesn’t include me, so I figured I would promote it instead of entering. A copy of Eric R. Braverman’s Younger (Thinner) You Diet is up for grabs.

Foodie McBody at FoodFoodBodyBody put up a post last week that I have been itching to comment on here ever since I read it. Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer is a post about Foodie’s ‘body philosophy’ for lack of better words. She talks about being mindful, being thankful, paying attention to what you eat and more. All points that I think most - if not all - of the diet plans, systems, etc miss completely. Definitely worth a read.

Why Health Advice on Oprah Could Make You Sick - Yes, there actually is someone out there who isn’t a fan of Oprah. This is a long article on how Oprah apparently doesn’t realize just how much she influences people and how she ‘innocently’ gears her shows to ‘innocently’ support causes she sometimes later denies. All up, it’s a reminder that we’re all different, so no one can be a true, infallible expert.

And there you have it! All the bits and bobs I’ve been wanting to point out over the past week or so.

I was responding to comments the other night and came across Little Miss Fatty’s Pants weight loss blog. While she is struggling a little bit with things right now, she has taken that all-important step of deciding to make her life a better, longer, healthier one.

I was looking through her past posts, and there was one that contained a letter to her boyfriend.

While her letter was a short one, it conveyed the love she has for her boyfriend and the appreciation she has for him looking out for her.

Well, that inspired me to write a thank-you to my husband…

Dear Mr. JM,

Me

There was an interesting topic on Food Food Body Body the other week that I thought would be of interest to my friends here as well, and it’s on the subject of whether or not you use your real weight on your website/blog or not.

I guess I kind of tread the line when it comes to using real weight and not revealing the numbers.

Sometimes I wonder about whether I should reveal my real weight at all because I know people I know in person could easily (or have already) find this blog. Do I really want them to know?

I can understand why other people wouldn’t want the people in their lives knowing, but I am okay with that – keeping in mind how much I do/don’t post my real weight these days. I can’t exactly hide the fact that I’m overweight, so it doesn’t make much difference to me if people know *how* overweight I am.

If anything, revealing that I am trying to lose weight has garnered me support from some unexpected places.

I think it is wonderful when people use their real weights because I think there is a freedom in doing so. However, I know personally what it’s like to post your weight when you have gained or there is a stall in the weight loss. It’s almost like pouring lemon juice in a wound to have to do that.

In the end, I don’t care what anyone does. I just love reading blogs about people who are getting healthy.

Since my last doctor’s visit, I have had three months to psych myself out and turn myself into a quivering mass of “I don’t want to go” because, frankly, when it comes to people telling me that what I have done isn’t good enough… Well, call that one of my buttons. Press it a couple times and you’ll probably make me cry. Keep pressing it and you’ll never see me again.

The last appointment was a hard hit for me. I came in expecting a ‘good effort’ on something I’d worked hard for and instead I ended up with a ‘that’s not good enough’. The whole thing messed with my head and made me feel down for weeks.

After talking to my husband about it – repeatedly – I have come to realize that I have to stand up for myself. I know, simple lesson, but it’s easier said than done. I keep forgetting that these people aren’t actually a be all and end all authority in my life. They are there to help me, and if I am not satisfied, I can switch to another doctor.

Strange how long it takes some people to learn the little things, huh?

What it all comes down to is that I have a choice if need be and I shouldn’t let anyone knock me down for being proud of something. What is awesome for me is awesome for me. Period.

Now if only I didn’t have to talk to myself so much just to be able to tolerate going to the doctor.

Yay team social anxiety!

Jenera wrote something last week on her blog that I felt the need to write about. She said:

“In my couple years of blogging I have managed to meet some great people. I have made friends and though I have not met any of them in person, I feel close enough to them to call them friends.

Some make fun of those of us who have online friends. I think they are jealous. One friend is states away and one is countries away. Yet I know that if I ever had the opportunity to meet up with them in real life, it’d be like we were friends forever.”

People who haven’t made friends online just plain don’t understand the depth of connection you can have with someone who isn’t right there next to you. But, as I mention to Jenera, as someone who has social anxiety, online connections have been wonderful to me.

Many people argue that we’re only becoming friends with words on a screen, but just like we are more than our bodies, the words are more than words. The words convey meanings. Put together in certain ways, words mean certain things. But beyond that, the words also carry feelings.

That’s called empathy.

Have you ever read an email and thought, “I wonder what’s wrong with him/her? S/he sounds sad.” If words were just words, you wouldn’t possibly be able to derive that sort of conclusion unless the person had written “I am sad” or something similar.

I would be lost without my online friends, and I wouldn’t be here today if not for my husband (who I instantly connected to ‘just’ through words online). In fact, the people I know online have supported me ten times more than the friends I had growing up.

So if anyone ever tries to tell you that you can’t have that kind of connection online? You can tell them that you know at least one very happily married couple who met online.

When I was talking to Mr. JM the other day about how I am going to get back into exercise slowly and how I was pretty sure I couldn’t last twenty minutes straight anymore, we got to talking about why I stopped exercising.

The biggest reason was the recurrence of mono, of course. However, the seeds of discouragement had been planted a few days before the virus took me down.

When I first went to see my doctor at the women’s clinic, I proudly told her that I could go twenty minutes on the elliptical without stopping. Sure, I was a bit shaky afterwards, but I could go twenty minutes and I was damn proud of that fact.

Then my doctor told me that ‘twenty minutes is nothing’ and that I needed to be doing and hour to an hour and a half of exercise.

Of course, all the times in my life when I’d been proud of something and nobody cared or it wasn’t good enough crashed back down on me. And, as I told my husband, I just lost the will when I perceived my best to not be good enough.

Mr. JM got angry at that and asked, “Well, could she do twenty minutes on the elliptical?”

I smiled. My doctor certainly could not, being a heck of a lot shorter and rounder than me. But in her mind, because she put in the right time amount, she was doing better than I was.

Mr. JM shook his head at the silliness of it. “The thing most doctors are missing these days is that diet and exercise is extremely personal.”

Of course, he’s right. One size never fits all in the health world and I’d just forgotten that fact.

My next appointment is mid-May (the long wait is because she wants to see how I take to being back on birth control), and I am more prepared for this appointment. I am already steeling myself to remember that something is better than nothing and building up from a little is more sustainable that trying for the whole thing the first time.

Because I’m exercising now and that’s awesome because exercise is something I avoided most of my life. Putting any effort is a step up from the way I used to be.

I rock. So there.

Hehehe.

On a funnier note:

Today I went to the shops for my lunch break to get some sushi. Of course, being the week before Easter, it was packed. (Easter is not Christmas people! Half of you don’t even believe in the religion that celebrates the day!) At one end of the food court, the people from the gym were taking advantage of the crowds and giving away gym deals.

As much as I tried to keep up my ‘zoned out shopper’ face, one guy practically walked into me to get my attention.

I said, “No thanks, I have an elliptical at home.”

He nodded knowingly but almost seemed to pout at the fact that you can’t argue someone who already has gym equipment into a gym membership.

Just then some blond little chickie practically bounces over and hands me a chocolate Easter egg.

“Take one of these!”

Then she ‘bounces’ away.

I look down at it and can’t help but think: “Yes, get me fatter because my elliptical at home won’t be enough! I’ll have to get a gym membership!”

Of course that wasn’t the case, but come on. You’re a gym! Promoting health and all that? You’re handing out chocolate? (And they were decent sized ones too, not those measly little bullet pieces of fake chocolate crap.)

I know carrot sticks wouldn’t have gone over that well, but try giving away meal on the go bars or granola bars. Something at least dancing under the mask of being healthy. Chocolate? Come on.

Your PR section is crap people! CRAP!

I mentioned in a previous weigh in how, even though it costs a little more, I am getting the individual serves of things instead of buying bulk containers. As someone with binge habits in her past, having the individual serves can be the difference between eating and getting on with life and struggling with that urge to eat more than I need.

But, like with a lot of things, people who haven’t been through the same experiences you have don’t always understand why doing something as simple as getting a bowl of yogurt from a big tub of yogurt could be hard.

My husband and I were buying groceries and, while he reached for his usual big container of yogurt, I went for the six pack of individual serves.

He looked at me and asked, “Why don’t you just get a tub?”

I explained to him that it was hard for me if I used t a big tub, so for the time being, I wanted to use individual serves. I didn’t explain myself well (hello, public grocery store, people wandering by), but I made it clear that the individual serves are just something I need right now to stay on track. He didn’t look all that impressed.

To my husband’s credit, he realized it was important to me and just said, “Okay.”

Therein is one of the reasons I love him. He doesn’t know what it’s like for me to stand with a big tub of yogurt and have that voice needling, “Just a bit more, it’s okay.” And yet, he trusts me to know what I need when it comes to these things. He may disagree and he may not like spending the extra money, but he does love and trust me.

After that, though, I re-realized that no one can do this stuff for you. You need to do what you need to do, and you also have to stand up for what your needs are. Even if they may make you feel silly, if they get you to where you need to be, then why not do them?

For this week’s Monday Mailbag, I asked if you watch anything like The Biggest Loser and, if you did/do, do you find it inspirational?

I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and there was this whole thing on alliances, making them, playing the game, yada yada. I found myself getting very annoyed at the whole thing because there was this whole catfight going on between two of the couples.

That’s not why I watch that show (when I even watch it at all). I want to see people getting past their psychological issues, get fit, learn to love themselves, move above and beyond the stage they are currently at and so many other things as well. The soap opera drama? I can definitely do without.

But, the thing is, that’s what is on television as far as weight loss/fitness/etc stuff goes.

On to answering the actual question… I do find it inspirational to a certain extent. I like the special times when they step on the scales and have lost weight, when they accomplish something they didn’t think they could do. I absolutely love the special episode when they go out and get ‘glammed up’ for meeting their special people for the first time since they’ve been in the house. Those are the beautiful moments and the reasons I watch.

However, I also find the show annoying just because of all the drama queens. Like I said before, I don’t like the ‘playing the game’ element of the show because that’s not what it should be about.

When it comes to getting fit, it’s always important to know you have people who love and support you in your journey. My poor husband has to hear a lot of my rants, but it’s wonderful to know that he sympathizes and is there to support me to matter what.

Dear wife,

I am not the best of men but being with you, having you to look after, to help, to hold and to provide focus in my life makes me try to be. There are times when I feel badly about myself for no other reason than I think I am not the best you should have and I am not able to provide you with everything.

Your support, your love, your way of reacting to life gives me purpose, opens my heart and shows me how much I missed in the years before I found you.

We have come a long way from the early days and we are still on the journey, but even in the worst times we have I can’t conceive of going back to a life without you in it.

I hurt when you hurt; I hurt when you are denied things that come easy to others. I try to help with how you cope with the disappointments of trying to lose weight and feel inadequate because I can’t find ways to help you achieve what you wish for so fervently.

Life with you is a revelation each day, bringing me back into a world i had almost left, showing me how much there is to be found and enjoyed.

I’m not good at expressing my love, so I try to show how I feel by how I act, what i can give and by making as good a life for you as I can. I fail often it seems but I love you and it keeps me trying.

There’s no ‘I’ in Team, nor any ‘you’ but you and I together make a team and we’re getting better at it I think.

All my love,
Mr. JM

Recently a friend took my husband and me out to lunch as a thank you for my husband fixing his computer. We went to a lovely little place that has excellent food. (Seafood salad for me! Yum!)

The conversation wandered through many things – especially the heat – and eventually we got to exercise and fitness.

He mentioned people he and my husband used to work with and how they would sit all day at their desk, never moving. Lunch got ordered in. Snacks were in ample supply stuffed in desk drawers. He mentioned how he sees those people who are younger than him and yet aren’t have as healthy as he is. And yet, most of them would be if they just attempted to move around and eat healthier.

Being the most overweight one at the table, I figured I’d jump in. I told him how frustrating it can be to hear people complain about their weight-related pains when you just saw them eat a chocolate éclair. Whereas I’m putting effort in and nothing is happening.

He told me (what I’ve heard a million times), “It all comes down to how much you take in and how much you exercise.”

We talked a little bit longer after that point, but I quieted down. I wanted to tell him that no, that’s not all there is to it for some people.

But I couldn’t.

I don’t want “it’s a hormone problem” to be my excuse, even though that is what everything has been pointing to so far. I don’t want to utter those words because I don’t want people to think I have or ever will give up. I know people who have given up. I know people who have convinced themselves that “it’s out of their hands” while they reach for the next bloody chocolate.

My husband stepped in and mentioned how I’m going to the clinic in a fortnight because it appears that there is something more going on that is messing with things. My husband is wonderful like that.

The conversation changed soon after that, but I couldn’t help but wonder if our friend thought I was just another one of those people blaming my weight on everything but myself…

For Monday Mailbag this week, I asked:

How do you handle people who ‘force’ food on other people?

In my life, I haven’t had a lot of people who have tried to force food on me. It’s happened – a grandparent here, a party hostess there – but there aren’t any scarring incidents, by any means.

One reason for that is I have a hard time saying no. I’ve probably given in more often than I’ve stood up for myself on the food front. It comes from this deep-rooted need for everyone to be happy with me. I’ve been working on it, but you know what they say by old habits…

When I avoid, I more often than not just agree but then avoid the person who told me to eat this or that until enough time has passed that s/he has forgotten. Or I just keep my wineglass and plate full until the person in question has stopped focusing on everyone having food.

Yes, I do have a certain person in mind when I talk about this, but I still love the person despite it. I know that the person in question has the same issues as me when it comes to everyone being happy, so I tolerate it better with that person than I would with other people.

I think Hanlie gave my favourite response on her blog when she wrote:

“With people I don’t know that well, I simply say, “No really. Doctor’s orders!” They don’t have to know that I haven’t been to a doctor in years! And surely they wouldn’t be nosy enough to ask for more details!”

Jenera recently asked if you are the kind of person to make NY resolutions or not. She mentions that she doesn’t think she has ever made an official resolution and that she has the general goal of being ‘fit and fabulous’ come (northern hemisphere) summer.

I got to thinking about my life and resolutions. Yes, it’s true I’ve made some more-or-less ‘official’ resolutions, but not anything all that spectacular. Not anything I can really remember, either.

I don’t like making ultra-specific resolutions because I feel that’s setting myself up for failure. My life doesn’t run just according to me and outside influences happen.

Like, I’d love to say, “I want to lose fifty pounds in 2009”. Sounds good, but it might not happen because I have other hormonal/body factors that keep me from losing weight like I should. (That’s the general consensus at the moment.)

But who knows? Maybe I’ll win the lottery and get some liposuction to get me started. Or maybe they’ll figure out what part of me is being so stubborn and fix/help it and the pounds will come off like they should. Those sort of things are a bit out of my control so I don’t want to set the specific goal.

My goals are general ones, and thus I call them goals instead of resolutions. I’d like to lose as much weight as I healthily can. I want to lower my cholesterol. I want exercise to become an even more regular part of my life. I want to ovulate on my own.

So, in the end, I’m more of a ‘leave them’ person when it comes to resolutions. They usually just end up making people feel guilty.

How about you?

Hi all! I intended to do this yesterday, but you know how life goes!

Anywho, for this Monday Mailbag, I asked:

How have your friends, family and fellow weight loss/fitness bloggers helped you?

I don’t have any family here in Australia and I’m not on exactly good terms with them, so my weight loss efforts aren’t exactly high on the conversations topics list. However, my dear friends have more than made up for that. I have a lot of friends both online and here in Australia who I don’t think I could have gotten through without.

First and foremost, there is my husband. He is always, always supportive of my efforts and never fails to cheer me on.

Then there are my friends who never fail to comment if it looks like I have been losing weight. It’s always great to see one of them and hear, “Have you been losing weight?” It never fails to make my day, even if I haven’t lost weight since the last time we talked. Hehe.

I have to say, though, that even more than friends, my weight loss/fitness blogger friends have definitely given me the biggest push to keep trucking in the past. Jenera has always been a huge help to me in keeping going and Randi has been wonderful as a buddy who knows what it’s like to have PCOS.

I have met some new friends through the Healthy You Challenge who I am looking forward to getting to know more.

It never fails to amaze me how important it is to have people around who can tell you, “I know exactly how you’re feeling.”