Finally Getting Fit

Thirteen Reasons I’m Looking Forward to the Doctor

1. I feel better than ever. There is nothing like going in for an assessment knowing that you are doing heaps better than you were the last time around.

2. Being told I don’t have to go on metformin. Yeah, I know I don’t have to, but I’m so looking forward to hearing it; to hearing that I’ve found something that beats the bloody PCOS weight loss stall.

3. Getting blood tests. Yeah, blood tests cost and they are a pain in the arse, but I am looking forward to getting them. I want to see how much everything has improved after taking off so many pounds.

4. A trip to inner Melbourne. That’s just plain hard to beat.

5. Seeing my dietitian. She is just an awesome, totally supportive lady. She never makes me feel bad about what I haven’t done; she just encourages me to improve.

6. Seeing my doctor and dietitian having lost weight. Yay! I didn’t think meal replacement would be as successful as it has been. I’m looking forward to what they have to say.

7. Clearer directions on where to go from here. I have heaps more weight to lose - I’m not even halfway to my goal weight yet - but I’m hoping we can start working on other things like improving my fertility and getting me off The Pill. (Yes, I’m back on. I had to unless I wanted to face another round of progesterone. No thanks.)

8. Talk about concerns. As it’s a check in, it’s a prime time to talk about any concerns I have. I don’t have heaps of questions, but I do have some things I’m eager to talk to them about.

9. The official weigh-in. I go by my own scales, of course, but it will be nice to see how I am going according to their scales.

10. Free samples? Hehe. I got a few free meal replacements before, and I’m not above accepting more.

11. Seeing all the preggy ladies. Yeah, I know, but they’re so cute wandering around with their huge bellies.

12. Having the dietitian right when I need her. I’m moving on to the next ‘phase’ of the diet and the timing comes together wonderfully. I can ask her about the foods I’m thinking about incorporating back into my diet.

13. Just because. I ran out of reasons.

***While the original site has been and gone, there is a new site for Thursday Thirteen! Woohoo!

If you’d like to join in with your own Thursday Thirteen - whether or not it’s health related - please leave a link to your list in the comments. I’d love to check it out.

Check out my other Thursday Thirteen at Write Anyway

Hello all!

This past week I have been feeling like I’ve been off track. I was still doing the meal replacement for most meals and eating healthy food for other meals, but I still had that sense of ‘betraying’ myself and not sticking to the course. While I made good choices, I could feel myself getting closer and closer to stepping over a line that would lead me back to unhealthy eating.

The husband and I had a heart to heart about my eating that really helped me to refocus on what I want. I recognized that I haven’t been reigning myself in as much lately as I should have.

Sometimes all you need to re-inspire yourself and get going again is to say your goals out loud.

Telling my husband all about my next goal and how I’m feeling has really gotten me going this week. I’m back on the elliptical every morning, I have my kick ass attitude back and much more.

The goal I am focusing on right now is getting to the 220 mark by my next doctor’s appointment in August. 220 just so happens to be the 100 kilo mark and I’m all about the even numbers and such.

Not to mention how much I would love to walk into that office three months after my last appointment – the appointment where she said I’d have to go on metformin if I didn’t lose at least a little weight by the next appointment – having lost thirty kilos.

It’s going to be tough, but I think I can do it. And if I don’t get there? I’ve still done an amazing job so far.

How are you going?

When I started doing meal replacement, I joined up on the company’s website. It’s a nice place to go to keep track of your stats as well as talking to people who really know what you’re going through because they are doing exactly the same thing you are.

The topic we’ve been talking about a lot lately is our relationship to/with food.

Boy-o did I never have a good one.

Food has served three purposes during my life.

A Way to Feel

I started binge eating when I was about four. Probably earlier, but most of my earliest memories are from about four. Though I didn’t recognize it until much later, I had a screwed-up childhood. I craved food – well, I craved eating until it hurt – as a way to feel something.

A Comfort

When I got into my teenager years (and earlier than that), food became my comfort. Nothing soothed your hurts like a pint of Ben and Jerry’s choc chip cookie dough ice cream while watching your favourite television show or movie. Good nights were pizza nights or nights when we had treats for dessert. Fresh food and cooking from scratch wasn’t done a lot at my parent’s place.

A Punishment

I met my husband online while I was at university and he was the one who began teaching me about healthier food. It’s thanks to him that I started eating more fresh fruit and vegetables. It’s thanks to him that I stopped a lot of unhealthy food behaviors.

But then, after I got back to my parent’s place after uni, I knew enough about food to use it against myself. Whenever I felt the need to punish myself, I’d get a Big Mac meal from McDonald’s and wash it down with a big cup of soda. I would eat sugary things – cheap sugary things with artificial colours probably being the last of worries.

And Now?

I’m finally finding my peace with food. I appreciate the finer things, more nutritional things. I can finally separate out flavours and I have even found a place where I feel great about myself – cooking from scratch in the kitchen.

I get sad thinking about where I’ve been in regards to food in my life, but at least now I can view it as what it is: sustenance.

If there is one word that could some up this past week, it would be: indulgence. While I have stayed on task during the days, a couple days this past week were feast days. While I don’t regret it, I know that I have to dedicate this week to going ‘by the book’ if I don’t want to slip down the (not-so-slippery anymore) slope of eating things that aren’t so great for me.

But when you’re handed a forty dollar meal voucher, it’s hard to pass it up.

The weird thing about being on a very low calorie diet is the fact that these feast days – done with nutritious food and done only every once in a while – seems to benefit me over all. It wakes my body up and gets it to start using things again. Sometimes I gain a couple pounds initially after eating, but then it just comes right back off soon enough and I’m on my way again.

That’s not to say I haven’t struggled a bit with my 230s. It almost got to the point where I was thinking there was some sort of hidden sabotage point, but it ended up not being that. I just got a bit antsy (which isn’t so bad considering I’ve been doing this for nearly two months) and wanted some ‘real’ food. Which basically meant I wanted some meat in my diet.

All in all, it went well.

As for the rock and the hard place…

I know that the pill does not ‘heal’ you if you have irregular periods, but I think I might have to go back on it. It’s still too early to tell because I won’t officially be a week late until tomorrow, but I haven’t even had a sign. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Sigh.

It used to be that all it took was a five pound loss and bam, there you go. Now I’ve lost heaps and it’s looking like I can’t quite manage it by myself yet. I’m going to give it a while longer, but I don’t have much hope at the moment.

The pill and needing it to keep my lady bits healthy by shedding lining regularly is the rock. Hating being on anything synthetic but being unable to get the factory working naturally, so to say, is the hard place.

GRRR.

I do this sort of thing on Fiction Scribe when there are a lot of interesting things I’ve read lately that I want to point to. I haven’t really had a need to do so here until things piled up on me this week.

So here we go!

Hanlie at Fertile Healthy has caught the Blah Bug that I’ve been dealing with the past few days. Head over and show her some love.

Cammy at Tippy Toe Diet has a giveaway going on for folks in the US. That doesn’t include me, so I figured I would promote it instead of entering. A copy of Eric R. Braverman’s Younger (Thinner) You Diet is up for grabs.

Foodie McBody at FoodFoodBodyBody put up a post last week that I have been itching to comment on here ever since I read it. Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer is a post about Foodie’s ‘body philosophy’ for lack of better words. She talks about being mindful, being thankful, paying attention to what you eat and more. All points that I think most - if not all - of the diet plans, systems, etc miss completely. Definitely worth a read.

Why Health Advice on Oprah Could Make You Sick - Yes, there actually is someone out there who isn’t a fan of Oprah. This is a long article on how Oprah apparently doesn’t realize just how much she influences people and how she ‘innocently’ gears her shows to ‘innocently’ support causes she sometimes later denies. All up, it’s a reminder that we’re all different, so no one can be a true, infallible expert.

And there you have it! All the bits and bobs I’ve been wanting to point out over the past week or so.

SW: 264
LW: 238
CW: 236

Total Squats: 199
Total Push Ups: 147
Total Sit-Ups: 223

Today I saw a gain of two pounds on the scale. One of the nicest things on the planet? Seeing a gain and not freaking out. I went up by about two pounds, but that is still less than I was at last week, so obviously I’m happy. Even despite all that, I think the best part isn’t being less than last week but being okay with the gain I saw this morning.

Sure, I want to do something about it, but it didn’t ruin my day. I just thought about all the things I did yesterday (including not drinking enough water), other factors that could contribute (week before TOM) and that was that. I’m going to do better today. And there you have it.

I guess I’m just stunned over the fact that I can take that sort of thing now. Granted I may have felt differently about a four pound gain, but the best thing about this diet is that my weight doesn’t instantly shoot up huge amount by just thinking about ‘naughty’ things.

Other things are going well. I started the second week (I’m a week behind Cammy *waves*) of the challenge this morning, and I must say that I’m not fond of squats. Hehe. However, I am recovering better and faster than I did in the very beginning, so that is a plus.

I’m having a hard time imagining being any thinner than I am at the moment. I’ve tightened up a bit on my stomach and definitely around my face and neck, but it has been so incredibly long since I was in my 220s (almost there!) that I’m wondering what it (and beyond) will be like.

Wonderful, I’m sure.

I hope you all are doing very well.

I am one pound shy of being fifteen pounds down, so I’ll just have to use the 10 pounds gone graphic.

Mind you, I’m proud as peaches over that as well.

Things have been going very well on the diet so far, and not just in the pounds lost. With doing something that takes me away from all food except small servings of fruit and veggies, I feel like I’m finally getting control on the things that eluded me on the ‘eat regular food, just the healthy kind’ sort of diets.

It’s well enough for me to eat healthier. I have been. Heck, I reversed my prediabetes. But – and I think it’s due to PCOS – that wasn’t enough to get me to lose weight. This? Well, this might just be the winner I have been searching for the past two and some years.

I had my first test to my diet this past weekend when the husband and I went away on a mini-holiday. I packed plenty of bars to see me through, trusting that I would know if eating ‘real’ food would mess with me psychologically. But it didn’t.

I indulged myself in small portions of beautifully grilled fish, and I didn’t regret a moment of it. I didn’t feel naughty or even like I was deviating from the diet, really. I paid attention to the first feelings of fullness (which happen just in my stomach now instead of that bloated, all-over feeling of full) and stopped when I needed to without problem. We had seafood the second night, too, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

And yes, I had dessert, too. I had chocolate torte. I know, I know, but if you are going to do it, you should do it with something truly decadent. And to be honest, I gave myself generous spoonfuls to share because it was too big for just me.

Without fuss or anything else, I’m back on the diet. Just like that. Amazingly, no pounds heavier, either. I credit that to the exercise we got while out and about, the high quality of food (everything made from scratch), and listening to my body so I stayed with appropriate portion sizes.

I feel so incredible. I’m hoping to be able to get to the 230s (which I haven’t been in since…at least six years ago, maybe more) by my birthday in August, but I’m not putting pressure on myself to do so. I just hope and work towards it. Woohoo!

How is everyone else doing?

I’m running late with everything today. Posts, work, things I promised to mail, craft projects… Even dinner is being served late tonight – but at least that one isn’t entirely my fault. Either way, it’s late and husband is enjoying his meat loaf (my first try at making one and apparently a success – he asked for seconds) and veggies, and I am enjoying my daily portion of veggies.

Have I mentioned how much I like mushrooms?

Switching over to the intense phase of this program – meaning three meal replacements, one serve of fruit, one serve of veggies in a small amount of oil – has been interesting, and certainly not without its little dramas. Thankfully, though, I seemed to have passed the hump of physical adjustment which, in my case, came in the form of a little bit of fatigue and a pounding headache.

My body has adjusted surprisingly fast to the new schedule. Though I have some trouble at night (psychologically, likely because that’s usually when we have our biggest meal), my stomach now grumbles like clockwork; it only gets impatient when I start pushing past the times when I am supposed to eat.

Somewhere in me there was this fear that I would be criticized for taking this route, despite knowing that this is the kind of thing I need right now. However, I’ve been pleased to find people are supportive. Once they understand how insulin resistance works and how difficult it is for women with PCOS to lose weight, they seem more impressed with my dedication to my health than anything else.

My husband even ran into a woman who had done meal replacement before, but she gained the weight back by returning to her old habits.

I’m not ready to go back to posting my statistics just yet, but I can say without a doubt that this is working well for me. I’m in a great place right now.

PS. Yes, I’m still planning on having a virtual party when I get past my 244 sabotage point.

After talking to my dietician (and my awesome friend Jenera) about possibly trying meal replace to kickstart my stubborn pounds, I began to feel more and more comfortable with the idea. With starting to get my digestion started, I figured this would be the best time to start meal replacement as well – just to get everything on the right track.

As I’m sure most of you know, the stinky part about meal replacement stuff is that it’s pretty expensive to go buy a box ‘just to try’. If it turns out to be gross, then you feel doubly bad about the whole experience. Thankfully, my dietician was kind enough to give me free samples of a fairly popular line of meal replacements in Australia.

As it turns out, they’re edible. More than edible. They’re pretty damn good.

As my dietician said, the main hurdle is getting over the psychology of it. That bar (or shake, or soup or dessert) is your meal. Period. Nothing else with it (except a little bit of essence here or an added spice there for flavor – one of the reasons I like this brand). Getting past that ‘need’ to eat a heap is hard.

I discussed it with the husband. My main concern, of course, was the expense. Even at the discount chemist, spending that much on myself seemed a bit… excessive. The prices aren’t bad – I can’t get a regular shake for just over a dollar, that’s for sure.

But, we broke it down and yes, it seems expensive because we’re buying it all at once, but we’ll actually save a bit of money. How? Well… I won’t need any additional food besides a small amount of veggies (having a cup of veggies every day is an absolute must with this plan). We won’t save heaps, but we will save.

While my dietician didn’t say I had to do the ‘intense’ phase, I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. The intense phase lasts twelve weeks, but I am going to go for a month (until the end of June) and then check in then. If I’m doing well and feel I can keep it up, I will.

I am a bit nervous about it, but I need this so badly right now that my confidence is overpowering my fear. Plus, there is so much variety (more than I usually see with meal replacement stuff), you’re allowed to add spices and essences so you don’t get sick of the flavours, plus – until I reach under 100 kilos – I get a serve of fruit every day. That’s in addition to the must-have serve of veggies with a little bit of olive oil.

I’m looking forward to being fit.

May I just say that I enjoy seeing my dietician much, much more than I like going to see the doctor’s I have seen otherwise. My dietician is very nice and pleasant to talk to.

I wasn’t originally planning to go back to the dietician, but an appointment practically fell in my lap so I took it. Given how unsatisfying my doctor was in answering my questions, I hoped I would have better luck with my dietician.

Have I mentioned how nice Dr. E is?

I had all sorts of questions about specific foods, GI, exercises, portion sizes, and more. Dr. E handled them all with care and dismissed nothing until I fully understood what she was saying.

Given my lack of weight change, she suggested I examine my exercise first. I’m now putting in the time, but the intensity is just as important. I think I’m doing okay, but I’m adding in some extra time as well as making sure that I’m puffing a bit while exercising.

Because I have a hard time eating breakfast in the morning, I asked her about the possibility of meal replacement. She seemed stunned that I would bring that up as an alternative voluntarily, but she also thought it would be a great idea – and not just for breakfast.

They had just had a shipment of meal replacement stuff in, so she gave me some soups and shakes from a specific line of meal replacement stuff as well as a brochure to introduce me to the program.

I’ve been looking at the program, but that’s for another post.

All in all, it was an excellent appointment where I got all my questions answered.

I go back in August to check in again. Hopefully I’ll be a good amount lighter by then!

I have to say that I can already tell that stopping posting my weight stats on here for right now was the right thing to do. The feeling isn’t incredibly massive, but I do feel like a stress has been taken away. And it’s not that I don’t think you all understand the highs and lows; it’s all in the craziness of my own head.

That being said…

Things have been going pretty well lately. The doctor’s appointment revealed some good news – which I’ll talk about in a later post. I feel like I am getting closer to the core issues I have with food, appearance, eating, etc.

It’s always weird when you’re trying to dredge up memories. There are reasons the memories were hidden in the first place, so you run into all sorts of interesting road blocks along the way. Anything from uncomfortable feelings to convincing yourself of things (or trying to) can pop up.

Self-examination is also never easy. Nobody is perfect, so facing your hang-ups is hard. But I’m keeping on with it because I know I have to.

On the physical side of things, I’m working on waking up my sleepy digestive system. I’m eating even more veggies than ever and I’m taking a herbal blend that is supposed to help with bowel function. (I feel kind of weird talking about all that, but it goes part and parcel with things…)

If that doesn’t help, I’m going to go the meal replacement route (just one meal replaced a day, no worries) to help me stay steady while I get my head stuff worked out.

Interesting times ahead…

I hope all of you are doing well.

Well, in my time zone it’s actually day six and I’ve already done my morning and lunch time exercises. But I don’t think that’s a big deal.

Things are going great and I’m so incredibly happy with myself. I thought doing all this with TOM going on would make things extra difficult, but it really hasn’t. I can’t tell you just how happy I am.

I keep saying to Mr. JM, “I know I’ve only been doing this for x days, but…”

The ‘but’ is followed by how happy I am, the little successes I’ve had with resisting temptations, how my view of myself is improving etc.

A little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me this excitement will end. I’m a ‘starter’ by nature. Let me start things up, get them going and you can take them from there. That little voice has been reminding me a lot about that and has also been reminding me about the times in the past when I’ve gotten off to an exciting start only to trip up.

But the thing is, I reckon I need to embrace the enthusiasm for no matter how long it lasts. Who cares if I’m a starter? That’s a part of life. I just need to learn to be a runner when my enthusiasm for starting starts waning.

Do I sound crazy yet? Hehe.

I really am just very happy right now. I haven’t skipped any exercise sessions, I’ve completely cut alcohol, I haven’t even thought about chocolate (though I usually ‘need’ it at this time), I’m looking even closer at labels and – AND! – I’m cooking more.

Everything is looking up, and it all started with finding the exercise routine that is right for me.

Woot!

Today I am on the road with Mr. JM. My wonderful friend Jenera of Just Me and Jenera Healy Photography has been kind enough to take over for the day. I couldn’t be leaving my blog in more trusted hands…

According to WebMD, the symptoms of binge eating are as follows:

* Eat way too much in a short period of time (less than 2 hours) on a regular basis.
* Eat when you are not hungry, to ease stress or to comfort yourself.
* Eat for emotional reasons, such as being sad, angry, lonely, or bored.
* Feel like you can’t stop eating.
* Eat faster than normal when you binge.
* Eat so much that you feel painfully full.
* Feel unhappy, upset, guilty, or depressed after you binge.
* Eat alone because you are embarrassed about how much you eat.

I do not think that binge eating or any other eating disorders are anything to be taken lightly. You may be having problems losing weight but it isn’t always going to be the result of a disorder of any type.

However, I was searching the internet trying to find motivation, tips, and support for losing weight. I have been questioning myself on why I just can’t seem to not eat. I don’t feel that there is an emotional void I’m filling though I do admit to eating more when stressed.

While reading through the symptoms or signs of bingeing, I found myself nodding my head. I DO eat when I’m not hungry. I DO eat in secret. I DO eat way past my full level.

My husband is a truck driver and is gone on the week for days at a time. I do more eating while he is gone than when he is home. There have been times I have waited for him to go to work before making a huge pot of pasta and then eating every single bit.

I know this is inhibiting my weight loss. I know that I do not need to eat as much as I do. I try to stay busy and to not dwell on the thought of food. I can do so well all day but come evening time, it’s constant eating for me. I feel terrible afterwards but I still do it.

Does this mean I am a binge eater? Maybe, maybe not. Do I have an unhealthy relationship with food? Probably.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I should talk to my husband about it but even then, what would the next step be? Would I need to take a next step? Or is recognizing the behavior the biggest one?

Have you dealt with a similar situation or other eating disorders in your quest to lose weight?

When I was talking to Mr. JM the other day about how I am going to get back into exercise slowly and how I was pretty sure I couldn’t last twenty minutes straight anymore, we got to talking about why I stopped exercising.

The biggest reason was the recurrence of mono, of course. However, the seeds of discouragement had been planted a few days before the virus took me down.

When I first went to see my doctor at the women’s clinic, I proudly told her that I could go twenty minutes on the elliptical without stopping. Sure, I was a bit shaky afterwards, but I could go twenty minutes and I was damn proud of that fact.

Then my doctor told me that ‘twenty minutes is nothing’ and that I needed to be doing and hour to an hour and a half of exercise.

Of course, all the times in my life when I’d been proud of something and nobody cared or it wasn’t good enough crashed back down on me. And, as I told my husband, I just lost the will when I perceived my best to not be good enough.

Mr. JM got angry at that and asked, “Well, could she do twenty minutes on the elliptical?”

I smiled. My doctor certainly could not, being a heck of a lot shorter and rounder than me. But in her mind, because she put in the right time amount, she was doing better than I was.

Mr. JM shook his head at the silliness of it. “The thing most doctors are missing these days is that diet and exercise is extremely personal.”

Of course, he’s right. One size never fits all in the health world and I’d just forgotten that fact.

My next appointment is mid-May (the long wait is because she wants to see how I take to being back on birth control), and I am more prepared for this appointment. I am already steeling myself to remember that something is better than nothing and building up from a little is more sustainable that trying for the whole thing the first time.

Because I’m exercising now and that’s awesome because exercise is something I avoided most of my life. Putting any effort is a step up from the way I used to be.

I rock. So there.

Hehehe.

I mentioned in a previous weigh in how, even though it costs a little more, I am getting the individual serves of things instead of buying bulk containers. As someone with binge habits in her past, having the individual serves can be the difference between eating and getting on with life and struggling with that urge to eat more than I need.

But, like with a lot of things, people who haven’t been through the same experiences you have don’t always understand why doing something as simple as getting a bowl of yogurt from a big tub of yogurt could be hard.

My husband and I were buying groceries and, while he reached for his usual big container of yogurt, I went for the six pack of individual serves.

He looked at me and asked, “Why don’t you just get a tub?”

I explained to him that it was hard for me if I used t a big tub, so for the time being, I wanted to use individual serves. I didn’t explain myself well (hello, public grocery store, people wandering by), but I made it clear that the individual serves are just something I need right now to stay on track. He didn’t look all that impressed.

To my husband’s credit, he realized it was important to me and just said, “Okay.”

Therein is one of the reasons I love him. He doesn’t know what it’s like for me to stand with a big tub of yogurt and have that voice needling, “Just a bit more, it’s okay.” And yet, he trusts me to know what I need when it comes to these things. He may disagree and he may not like spending the extra money, but he does love and trust me.

After that, though, I re-realized that no one can do this stuff for you. You need to do what you need to do, and you also have to stand up for what your needs are. Even if they may make you feel silly, if they get you to where you need to be, then why not do them?